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Osceolaland
The area around DisneyWorld
in Florida is pretty strange. An entire economic substratum has coalesced
to serve the needs (real and perceived) of people who come to DisneyWorld.
Hotels and restaurants abound, of course, but there's more - a surprisingly
large variety of small, tacky theme centers, each a miniature Disney park
run on a budget by local folks. Medieval World! Alligatorland!
Porpoise Park! And much,
muchmore.
So there we were, sitting in the car, chewing burgers at a Dairy
Queen (which committed a slight breach of protocol by not naming itself
"Dairy
World" or "Burgerland"),
when inspiration hit, in the form of a badly-painted sign on the side of
building: Osceola
Land Company. "Now what do you suppose this is?" asked Steve. And
that's how it started.
In a few months, we'll open up our own visionary theme park near Orlando:
Osceolaland!
We know you'll be as excited as we are, and we hope you'll visit early
and often. Here are some of the highlights.
"Oscey" Otter
It goes without saying. Every theme park needs a theme animal - a too-cute
anthropomorphism of some wild and viscious beast. And Osceolaland is no
exception. So please meet and greet "Oscey" Otter, the cutest, most
wildly anthropormorphic theme otter you'll ever meet. Our six-foot-four
Oscey
will patter around Osceolaland day and night, encouraging tourists to take
his
picture with terrified little children.
The Otterhorn
No theme park is complete without the thrills and chills of a roller
coaster, but ours will have a little twist of its own. The Otterhorn
is
a complete reconstruction of a gigantic Swiss otter. You and your friends
will plummet down the shiney fur of the Otterhorn, strapped safely
inside your very own fleamobile.
The Sodium Pavilion
Sponsored by the Salt Institute,
you'll ride inside of a gigantic salt shaker as you view the wonders of
Nature's friendliest element: Sodium. You'll see sodium's crucial role
in human civilization, from the preparation of food to the relief of indigestion.
We've even commissioned Phil Collins to sing the pavilion theme: So-So-Sodium.
As you exit this attraction, you'll have the opportunity to buy the many
fine products made by Morton
Salt.
The Shower Stall of Progress
Osceolaland is proud to be a part of the march of progress,
the rising tide of human achievement. We celebrate both the past and the
future in The Shower Stall of Progress: Human Sanitation Through the
Ages. You'll leave humming our theme tune:
There's a big bright, squeeky clean
tomorrow,
Shining at the end of every day.
There's a big bright, squeeky clean
tomorrow,
Just a bath away!
The plumbing arrives, and that's a
start.
We put in the tub, with mind and
heart,
And when it becomes a reality,
It's a place to bathe, for you and
me.
There's a big bright, squeeky clean
tomorrow,
Shining at the end of every day.
There's a big bright, squeeky clean
tomorrow,
Just a bath away!
Homey Homeopathy
It's all the rage! People are waking up to the limitations of
traditional medicine, and opening their eyes to alternative treatments
that first started years ago. Osceolaland celebrates this new tradition
with its own home-town musical production, with Harvey Feirstein singing
the title piece:
Medicine, medicine
What's happened to medicine
Especially where doctors are concerned
Vets ... who drugged pets
are-n't drugging any more
they're doin' homeopathy!
Shrinks ... who loved kinks
are-n't kinky any more
they're doin' homeopathy!
Docs ... who wear smocks
and who cut us up in days that used
to be
Their accountants are crying
But their patients aren't dying
Instead of cutting up
It's homeopathy!
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