We're convinced that all six billion people on the planet have
phone answering machines these days. Even Helen's mother has one (though
she was tricked into it). She also hates ours, though we can't imagine
why. We consider it a social obligation to figure out what can be done
with answering machines in addition to (or instead of) answering the phone.
And, if you're wondering what tilted mind thought this stuff up, you
might want to visit my Weblog. Or
not.
Home Sweet Home
An answering machine at home is a simple necessity. Can you
say "screening calls" ? Our thanks to Eve,
our talented actress friend, who kindly performed several of the following
for us.
Steve: Bowden technical support, this is Steve, how may I help
you?
Steve: We want you to imagine what it would be like to hear this
message.
Steve: Hi! We just got this way cool new digital answering machine.
To leave a message, specify the number of words in your message, then leave
the message. Remember, the digital answering machine will only record the
number or words that you specify.
Steve (officiously, and with Manhattan background noise):
You
have reached apartment 19F. If you are an AOL chat friend of Helen's, please
press one now. If you are a contractor interested in finishing our apartment,
please press two now. If you are a relative of Helen's, please press three
now. If you are calling to sell something to Steve, or to give him more
work to do, please hang up now.
Message when answering machine is full:
Steve: Hang up. Hang up now.
Helen (in background): Now!
Steve: Go away!
Helen (in background): Now!
Eve (In a squeeky Brooklyn accent): Welcome to
the Home Shopping Network. If you would like to buy the white pantsuit
ensemble, press 1 now. If you would like to buy the genuine solitaire fake
diamond, press 2 now. And if you would like to buy this really strange
clay pet-zoo thing, please press ...
Steve: Hello. This is Helen and Steve. We just discovered that
our answering machine was being used for several years by some nutty home
shopping channel. If you have any information about this, please
leave it now.
Eve (In a hushed, conspiratorial voice): Steve
& Helen aren't here right now. And neither is their TV, their VCR,
their ...
Hello, this is Fred. I'm Helen and Steve's answering machine. Well no,
they're not answering the phone right now, which is why you're stuck with
me. I'm not much on conversation, mind you, so if you have something to
say, now would be a good time.
Helen: Hi. We're not home right now, so please leave a message.
Steve: They can't leave a message. The machine ...
(Sounds of traffic outside, and an ambulance going by.)
Helen: Oh. You can't leave a message ...
Steve: Just think a message. We'll record it in our thoughts.
Helen: Wha ...
A Day At The Office
What could be more fun than an answering machine in the research
division of the world's largest information
technology company?
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White at IBM Research, and I'm not here.
Before you leave your message, please help us with our voice recognition
work by saying the following words: glockenspiel, charburger, and Tony
Orlando.
Steve: Hello, and welcome to the Thomas J. Watson classical music
moment. I'm your host, Steve White, and our first selection today is the
brief but poignant tone poem by Friederich Gruenstakl, Opus 674, entitled
... "beep".
Steve: Hello, and welcome to the experimental IBM Research phone
answering system. Please state the number of words in your message, then
state your message. Remember - the answering system will only record the
number of words you specify.
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White at the Thomas J. Watson Research
Center. I've worked myself down to a nub, and I'm currently at home trying
to recover from the flu. If this is an emergency, you might try calling
my manager, Fred Smith, at extension 5555. Make sure you have your national
disaster certification form filled out in advance, though.
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White. If you're calling to hear my
clever message, you're out of luck. It's in the shop for repairs. I kept
the beep, though. Wanna hear it ?
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White at the IBM Thomas J. Watson Research
Center. If you'd like to leave a message, it's best to wait until after
the beep.
Steve: Hi. I'm not Steve White; I'm his answering machine at
IBM Research. Please leave a question after the beep, and I'll try to find
an answer.
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White at IBM Research. I'm out of the
office until Friday, June 10 on a mission vital to the continued existence
of the world as we know it. I'll check my phone mail every so often, though,
so go ahead and leave a message.
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White at IBM Research. I'm busy making
the world safe for computing at the moment, so I can't answer your call.
My answering machine is poised in anticipation, though.
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White at IBM Research. I'm experiencing
temporary technical difficulties, so I'm unable to answer your call myself.
I'm afraid you'll have to talk to my answering machine.
Steve: Hello. This is Steve White at IBM Research. I'm off until
Monday Dec. 5, basking in the Bermuda sun, skin diving in crystal clear
lagoons, and thinking about computers only peripherally. Leaving a message
for me won't do you much good, I'm afraid. If you need to talk to a real
human before I return, call our secretary at x 5555.
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White at IBM Research. I'm out of the
office for the week, learning how to be an IBM manager. It's kind of frightening,
if you think about it. If you'd rather not think about it, you can call
Fred Smith at x 5555.
Messages We Haven't Used (Yet)
Steve: What? A telephone call? An analog telephone
call? Hey Helen, come here! Some joker's using the telephone. Honest!
Steve: Thank you for calling Microsoft Technical Support. Please
deposit twenty-five cents for the first three minutes.
Steve: Wow. Lookit all these buttons ! I wonder what this one
does ...
Steve: Hello. This is Steve White's telephone. When I beep at
you, you can talk to me.
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White, and I'm not here. If you'd like
to leave a message for me, you can do so by following the instructions
that you hear after the beep.
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White, and I'm not here. If you'd like
to leave a message, hang up, redial this number, and follow the instructions
that you hear.
Steve: Hi. This is Steve White, and I'm not here. If you're calling
about the ad in the paper, please leave your code name and wrist size after
the beep.
Steve: If you utter so much as a single syllable, I will
hunt you down and gut you like a fish!
Steve: Hi. Steve and Helen's answering machine is broken; this
is their refrigerator. Please speak slowly and I'll write your message
down on one of these post-it notes and stick it to myself.
Steve (in best pre-recorded operator voice): We're sorry, the
number you have dialed is an imaginary number. Please hang up, rotate
your phone ninety degrees, and try again. 49E7.
Messages Donated To Poor People Who Didn't Have Their Own
We always feel sorry for people who don't have their own answering
machine messages. So when our friends got an answering machine for Christmas
and couldn't figure out how to record a greeting message, we felt compelled
to help. Of course, once the message was recorded, they couldn't figure
out how to change the message, but that just made it more fun. We're
pretty sure this message stayed on their machine for years.
Steve: Hi. Sandy and Robert just got this new answering machine,
but they can't figure out how to work it. If you know how, please let them
know after the beep.
