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2002.03.31 : 2002.04.06
Saturday, April 6, 2002
Blab. A reader reports that it has no idea what this
is, apparently expecting us to figure it out instead.
Irn-bru
Yep. We have no idea either. Some kind of Sims game or other, sponsored
by some company that, like, makes something. The user interface did not
admit to any obvious actions, so we did what we usually do with game like
this. We gave up.
We did, however, register ourselves as userid Plurp and password Plurp
in case any of our readers are more ambitious (and bored) that we are.
Any who qualify are required to report
on their experience. Or something.
Blab. A reader finally awakens to this week's Plurp subtitle.
Wasn't "The Geometry of Produce"
an episode of
the popular science fiction series Aubergine 5?
No. But thank you for the eggplant reference.
Plop. So we seem to have the most complex and well-orchestrated
international crisis in some time and the dumbest, least qualified president
in decades. We would love not be worried. Perhaps our readers can tell
us how.
Plurp. Neo-Darwinian Insight O' The Day:
Addiction is tobacco's way
of making more tobacco.
After the invention of farming, both of flora and fauna, there is a potential
evolutionary advantage to anything well-evolved to be farmed. These are
also examples of the co-evolution of memes and genes. Hmm!
Yow.
I'm just a gurl who cain't
say no
I'm in a turrible fix!
It's not what you think. We went to see Oklahoma
on Broadway today. A marvelous production: visually magnificent, both the
rich atmospheric lighting and the Wyeth-esque sketches that were the sets;
energetic; rougher and darker than the movie. Altogether a great, great
production!
 Plurp.
The blue dog
was Plurp's way of
making more Plurp
Friday, April 5, 2002
Blab. Our meme mixer returns.
Know ye of sex
with produce?
Only 7 Google hits. Somehow we expected more.
Blab. A reader sends us this.
[link]
Yeah, ha ha ha. sex with srwhite gets no Google hits. Very funny.
Blab. Using technology not yet revealed to us, a reader claims
to know the prospective mental state of former Presidents.
Bush
would be happy
Not so fast. Google may be unable to find any hits on sex with broccoli,
but we have certain information that implicates several well known
groups in an ongoing series of fetish gatherings involving vegetables of
all kinds.
Blab. Employing that same cryptic technology, a reader tells
us the internal mental state of Helen.
Helen loves the new Helenism.
Congratulations!
We wonder what Helen thinks about this insidious neural wiretapping.
Blab. A spammist encourages us to ...
FIND OUT EVERYTHING YOUR
CHILD AND/OR SPOUSE IS DOING ON THE INTERNET16398
Frankly, we're more interested in getting our hands on that mind reading
technology. But thanks anyway.
Blab. Noticing that curious phone number
yesterday, a reader does the obvious thing: Looks it up on Google.
Now you're giving readers
inverse
[links]?
Or was that supposed to be a reference to some outdated XX method of communication?
To tell you the truth, we don't actually remember why we put that there
in the first place. We noticed it in the big bag o' random notes we had
before publishing Plurp last night, Googled it ourself, and decided
to just leave it there as is.
It's something we like about Plurp. We never know what we'll
find here.
Blab. Another reader who Googled that phone number asks:
Awww... Did the camera
catch you engaging in a kata?
Not yet. But we certainly fear the day that traffic cameras become commonplace.
We'd have to go buy an SUV and drive at half the speed limit. Like everybody
else.
Blab. A reader misinterprets the blue dog from way back in Wednesday
as being ...
The Blue Sloth?
Though we make it a lifelong task to blame our various shortcomings on
others (and you know who you are!) we must admit, in all honesty, that
the lack of recent original content here in Plurp is not the fault
of the blue dog.
Well, not directly ...
Blab. A reader feigns unfamiliarity with discovering
the secrets of the universe and making cool frobs.
Making cool froobs? Is that
like making extreme cocoa?
-AJL
We were previously unaware of the horrors of extreme
cocoa.
And that's frobs,
by the way.
 Blab.
A reader asks us to name that tune.
"If you can't stand the heat,
go to the kitchen" ................ hmmmmmm
That would be British Prime Minister Tony Blair on the Today show
this morning, displaying his lack of familiarity with American culture.
Funny, though!
Blab. Sifting through a dusty back issue
of Plurp, a reader seeks to avoid doing work by having us do it
instead.
Where's the pic of satan
in the smoke?
We are always happy to pander to our readers. Here's the pic.
And here is the thrilling
Plurp
commentary that went along with it.
Blab. A reader sends us a ...
[link]
... to the Worst Car of the Millennium contest. Interestingly, second
place was the Chevy Vega.
"My Chevy Vega actually broke in half
going over railroad tracks. The whole rear end came around slightly to
the front, sort of like a dog wagging its tail."
... which was the car that Helen wanted in her early twenties.
Blab. A reader wants us to, well, do stuff.
Can't wait until you finish
with those silly meetings so you can get back to some really good Plurp!
Anytime soon? PLease?
Silly reader. Plurp was never any good.
Yow. Bryant Gumbel, whose successful career was in sports casting
a long, long time ago, and who made a name for himself with anger management
issues and hissy fits on the Today show before he "left", is back
in the news.  This
time, he's leaving
the other morning show to which he fled, The Early Show. Why,
you ask. Well ...
"After more than 17 years
of hosting a morning news program, I feel it's time for me to move on and
do something else with my life," Gumbel said.
Surely it has nothing to do with the fact that the show never climbed out
of third place in the ratings against Today and ABC's Good Morning
America. Surely.
Gumbel was host of a newsmagazine,
Public
Eye, that was canceled for poor ratings before he started again with
The
Early Show.
Don't worry, though. Talent this large is always in demand.
"Morning television has been
a wonderful experience for me, but there are other interests that I'm eager
to pursue." He offered no details on those other interests.
Gumbel also is host of "Real Sports"
on HBO.
Yo. And that reminds us to ask: Why are insects almost universally
disgusting? Is it a learned response, and if so, how exactly? Or, if it's
innate, why?
Do tell.
Yow. And speaking of universally
disgusting ...
The Rev. Jerry Falwell claims
a Web site that spoofs his views
on the Bible and his fund-raising methods violates a trademark of his name.
We love the Web.
Yak.
My stomach's upset.
Oh? What did you have to eat today.
Nothing.
What did you have for dinner last
night?
Pretzels.
And your question is ... ?
Yow. France
could be gone in 900 years. We're setting our clocks.
Yo. "Setting our clocks". Very XX.
Yo. Um ... ?
Israeli
Tanks Enter Tubas
Yak. From yet another meeting today.
It'll raise more questions
than answers.
Plurp.
The blue dog
thought all day long about
those tubas
Thursday, April 4, 2002
Blab. A reader, incorrectly believing itself to be in
temporary control of the mind control lasers, commands us to ...
start a fire
We Didn't Start the Fire. Sorry.
Blab. A reader sends us a link. Two links!
[link]
[link]
 The
first of these is a NYT article about the second of these, which is the
site of a guy who will deface some building with the name of your Cuddle
PartnerTM in giant graffitti lettering.
For a price.
Being from New York, we think nothing of this. New York has a long tradition
of people who will do illegal and socially reprehensible things for a small
fee.
Blab. A reader sends us something really depressing.
Blab. A reader from across the pond contributes to the ongoing
March of Intellectual Progress in which we play the giant kazoo.
Our head of HR came out with
what must surely qualify as a Helenism in a training course on UK Employee
Law today:
'Getting up someones wick' made from
'getting up someones nose' and 'getting on someones wick'
Surely this has to qualify?
No? I'll get my coat...
So getting
on someone's wick means you are annoying someone. Getting
up someone's nose means something similar. So it seems to us that
getting
up someone's wick is an ideal (if culturally obscure) Helenism.
Congrats!
These British Helenisms are so complicated!
Yo. So today's entertainment was trying to find a phrase of the
form Sex With X, where X is so weird or disgusting that it
wouldn't be found on the Web. How do you think we did? Let's find out.
(Oh. Don't click on any of these links if you're easily offended. Or
a Catholic priest.)
| Sex With ... ? |
Google Says ... |
| Birds |
34
hits. Eewe. |
| Books |
18
hits. Painful. |
| Appliances |
14
hits. We don't want to know. |
| Insects |
21
hits. Now come on! |
| Bugs |
9
hits. Combined with Insects, this is quite frightening. Who are
these people? |
| Yogurt |
3
hits. Yogurt?? |
| Fungus |
1
hit. We give up! |
Helen, who was making coffee and spelunking through the fridge at the
time, suggested Sour Milk. Which is a winner.
Plurp. (561) 243-0920.
Plurp. To be included in our current, admittedly radical, presentation
on our proposed architecture for Autonomic
Computing:
You may be right.
I may be crazy.
But it just might be a lunatic
You're looking for.
Yow. Two Quebec radio comics get the Plurp April Fool's
Award by calling
Bill Gates and pretending to be Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien.
Trudel said they imitated
Chretien's heavily accented English, talking about the economy, insulting
Microsoft's Windows operating system and inviting the multibillionaire
to visit a well-known Montreal strip joint.
No wonder it worked. Billy probably gets those calls all the time.
Yo. Turns out it's not so dangerous after all to have
children with your cousin. Good to know.
Yow. During a split-second of editing just now, that said to
shave children with your cousin. That's still dangerous.
Yow. Anyway, Dave
puts it all in perspective.
So I know us technical types
are supposed to be socially inept and all, but really! Sometimes I'm socially
inept enough that it interferes with discovering the secrets of the universe
and making cool frobs.
Which, naturally, would be a Bad Thing.
Plurp.
The blue dog
wished we would go back
to that
no original content stuff
Wednesday, April 3, 2002
Blab. That reader who is fond of sending us whatever
is circulating in email on any given day sends us this:
The following were the winners
of a New York magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known
expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a
definition for the new expression.
Plus a lot more, of course, as seems to be the way in these email-circulated
things. The complete list can be found all
over the Web and, in particular, here.
Our favorite entries are:
-
PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local
clown
-
ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell;
from such a pain you should never know
But we're confused. Why do people circulate stuff like this via email?
Why don't they just send links as god intended? Can someone splain
this to us?
Blab. A reader does the right thing and sends us a ...
[link]
... this time, to an article claiming that Playboy got hundreds of calls
from women volunteering to bare it all for their upcoming Women of Enron
issue. Are they serious?
"For the right price and
the right circumstances, yeah, absolutely," Makowsky said. "Sure, why not?"
The 33-year-old said she was stripped
from some of her savings a few months ago when Enron collapsed.
Get it? Get it?
 Blab.
Another socially proper reader sends us a ...
[link]
... to a page that turns us into a tribble. Honest.
Blab. Not happy with tribbles? How about dribbles?
[link]
This time it's the Carpal Tunnel Onset Accelerator. We love the Web. Pretty
much.
While you're there, check
out Monopoly Cards
We'd Like To See.
They asked us not to put their incredibly funny image here. We never were
good at following directions.
Blab. A reader suggests an addition to the Coca-Cola product
line even more existentially horrifying than Beet Coke?
Brussel Sprout Coke
Don't sleep near those cans!
Plop. Note: We blame the lack of original content in Plurp
entirely on the second of three solid 12-hour days of task force meetings
at work. And Sloth, of course.
In any event, we deeply appreciate our inspired readers filling in for
us in our intellectual absence.
Plurp.
The blue dog
figured it was entirely
Sloth
Tuesday, April 2, 2002
Blab. A reader deduces the origin of the Three Mysterious
Images.
These are the first three
images produced when doing a Google Image search on a particular misspelling
of "Vanessa Redgrave".
Amazingly, that is exactly
right.
Blab. A reader writes:
I was able to determine that
the clock is a rolling mystery clock. That's as far as I got.
Heck, we didn't even get that far
Blab. A reader provides the most preposterous explanation ever
of those images.
In a small but very posh
peat bog in central Ireland some four thousand years ago, a Druid king
who died under suspicious circumstances was ceremoniously buried. As his
corpse sunk into the dark green bog, his gold funerary mask incongruously
floated to the surface and began to utter the name of his secret assassin
in an eerie, gurgling voice. But before anyone took notice, a man with
an eerie, gurgling name who was the king's murderer pounced forward and
stomped the mask back under the peat -- and with it, his secret.
Millennia passed and the area around
the bog became a small but very posh city. On the site of the bog itself,
a building was constructed that was to house the new global headquarters
of Amalgamated Gift Company Incorporated, a palatial structure that was
built with the wealth that can only be accumulated by selling small brass
and wood items with green-felted bottoms to suspendered executives. On
the day the building was opened, odd things began to happen: the sky grew
dark and ominous; objects flew around in the lobby; the elevators would
only go to the 13th floor; and eerie, gurgling noises permeated the air
ducts. The new headquarters were haunted by the ghost of the Druid king!
However, all turned out for the best
as AGC Inc. learned to harvest the Druid king's ectoplasmic mojo (which
could be easily scraped off of the ceilings of the mailroom using a putty
knife) for use in manufacturing their new, best-selling-ever executive
gift: the Desk Clock That Mysteriously Rolls Up An Inclined Plane Whilst
Making Eerie Gurgling Noises. And with the money they earned from that,
they were able to build a second even more palatial global headquarters
on top of the Great Pyramid of Giza.
Surprisingly, we find powerful
evidence that this theory is correct.
Blab. A reader discovers the following astonishing Web site.
http://www.stevewhite.org
Um ... ?
Blab. On our lament about the demise
of industrial research labs, a reader writes:
On Research Labs: what of
Microsoft Research?
Good question! Microsoft, flush with cash, started a research lab a few
years ago. They went out and bought lots of clever, established people,
perhaps echoing the strategy that started Xerox PARC.
Let's ask Google about this. We find ~54k pages about Microsoft
Research and ~124k about IBM
Research. Why is that? Well, one reason is that IBM Research was founded
in 1945 whereas
Microsoft Research has only been around since 1991.
But it's also that IBM Research has actually, well, done stuff. You know.
Nobel
prizes. Billions
of dollars in revenue. Stuff like that. Microsoft Research, by contrast,
has been a bit more, well, obscure.
Are we being parochial? Prolly. So go read what the print media (remember
them?) say about Microsoft
Research and what they say about IBM
Research. These are actually very informative articles.
Blab. A reader writes:
Bring
back the coconut man!
Hmm. It seems that the enlightened government of the British Virgin Islands
is building a toll booth for the one bridge that they have - the one joining
the little island with the airport to the larger island of Tortola. This
is to replace the current toll booth, a brightly colored wooden shack in
which a lone guy holds out half a coconut shell, mounted on a pole, into
which passing cars deposit their tolls.
Critics are saying that the
government is planning to spend too much on the project. Legislator Lloyd
Black (R-D8) said that besides the $400,000, there is an additional $200,000
in the budget for a "fee collection service."
"I asked what the money would be used
for," Mr. Black said. "But no one could give me an answer. You could build
several houses for that much money."
It seems that the British Virgin Islands have already discovered the wonders
of self-aggrandizing bureaucracies.
Blab. A reader turns us on to ...
Google's
Secret Technology
All those pigeons. The horror!
Blab. A reader reminds us that ...
Readers experienced in this sport should send
us their personal best times.
Plurp. You know all that weird and awful news you read about
yesterday? Did you believe any of it?
Yo. Forget all that Middle East stuff. Here's news
you can really use.
An article in industry newsletter
Beverage Digest said numerous people within the company expected a U.S.
launch of a vanilla-flavored Coke "within the next few months.''
This, of course, adds to their current product line of Old Coke, New Coke,
Cherry Coke and Lemon Coke (and with or without calories and with or without
caffeine). Can Beet Coke be far behind?
Is is just me, or did the world used to be simpler?
Plurp. In order to increase Plurp readership to the government
mandated minimum levels, all current Plurp reader are required
to go out and enlist at least one new person to read Plurp regularly
at least once a week. Please. Your support is important to prevent us from
being shut down. Thank you.
Yow. It's Googow,
uh-heh-heh-heh. (Dave)
Plop. Yasser
Arafat received the 1994
Nobel Peace Prize. It's like Alfred E. Neuman receiving the 1994 Nobel
Prize in Physics.
Yo. For some strange reason, "helen
naked pitures" is once again the most popular search term on Plurp's
very own search service this week. Go figure!
Plop. You don't suppose that the U.S. is holding that newly-captured
bin Laden aide in a country that practices torture
of its suspects, do you? Nah, 'course not. More pointedly, perhaps,
do
you think they should?
Plurp.
It takes only
three or four seconds to
become helpless in
the blue dog
Monday, April 1, 2002
Blab. A reader reminds us that Google now has ..
Language
Tools
Did we know that? Dunno. We wonder if Google does any better than the disastrous
but highly funny Babelfish,
AltaVista's infamous entry into the translation game. Let's try that hilarious
Babelfish example made famous by friend Bill: Translating "Pizza" to French
and back to English, in successive rounds.
-
Pizza
-
Pizza pie
-
Meat pie of pizza pie
-
Meat pie of meat pie meat of pizza pie
-
Meat pie of meat pie meat meat of meat
pie meat of pizza pie
-
Meat pie of meat pie meat meat meat of
meat pie meat meat of meat pie meat of pizza pie
-
Meat pie of meat pie meat meat meat meat
of meat pie meat meat meat of meat pie meat meat of meat pie meat of pizza
pie
And so on. Not much meat in that, now, is there? And it looks very much
like the explosive cycle that you get into with this example in Babelfish.
We rather suspect that Google uses the same, astonishingly stupid translation
engine that pollutes Babelfish.
Pity, as there are really good translations engines available.
Blab. A reader sends us a quote from this.
Gerhardt, Mia. The Art of
Storytelling: A Literary Study of The Thousand and One Nights. 1963.
This raises the critical question: Is anything with the string "Mia" in
it a part of the Mia Chronicles?
And we'd have to say no. (A reader Blabbed the string "Mama
mia!" at us a while ago. We didn't include that either.)
What's included and what isn't? We can't define it, but we know it when
we see it. We think.
Blab. Mistaking us for a Magic 8 Ball, a reader comes to Plurp
for advice on life planning.
hello,Iam from India (Chennai)i
have finished my 12th with one arrears now i have cleared it.So i had to
loose 1 yr,iam very much upset with it.Iwant my life to really happy from
now on.i dont want to do my graduation in Chennai ,i want it to be done
in Bangalore coz i find that place very nice ,too good for me.I find poeple
very nice not like this place,pls i want to go there.But my parents are
not allowing me,if i dont go there i will surely go mad,i dont have proper
friends,i want to have a new life.So i thought after going to Bangalore
i will start a new life and study well and make myself comfortable,but
my parents are not accepting it.Iam afraid of 1 more thing is that,this
Chennai is a very big city and i want to study there in bangalore,i feel
the other poeple mite tell somthing about this or they mite not support
or think bad about me,pls i dont want that to happen,i really want to go
to Bangalore pls will i go,will the poeple tell somthing,hows my life tell
me pls,i am going mad,my mail id is vandna_vedgiri@hotmail.com,hope u solve
my problems,pls mail me and say.Iam totally confused
Always anxious to please our readers, we actually went out and asked the
Official
Magic 8 Ball.
| Question |
Answer |
| Will I go (to Bangalore)? |
Outlook good |
| Will the people say (something bad
about me)? |
Without a doubt |
| Am I going mad? |
My sources say no |
| Am I totally confused? |
It is decidedly so |
So there you are!
Blab. A reader sends us a soft drink.
soda
No, wait! This is really cool. You can build your own little abstract creature,
with simple limbs and muscles and stuff, then watch it ambulate across
a simple environment where you can control gravity, muscle strength, rapidity
of activity, and so on.
Go
play.
Yow. What an amazing day! Recent rains resulted in an end to
the New York Drought Emergency. The U.S. economy is in full recovery, with
GNP growth expected near 9% this year. Israel has signed a peace agreement
with the Palestinians. That high-level Al Qaeda guy captured over the weekend
turned out to be bin Laden. The Pope announced that child-abusing priests
will be excommunicated and prosecuted. And the rest of us have made so
much on our stock options that we can sit around all day and play Egg Chess.
Ain't it great?
Yo. Things have been happening that no one understands. Readers
are hereby required to provide explication
for these three mysterious images, and their curious amalgamation here.
Plurp.
The blue dog noticed
that Plurp was no
longer sarcastic
Sunday, March 31, 2002
Blab. A reader combines enough memes to form a black
hole.
The Hydroreaganomic solution
to the Drought Emergency: simply give the rich all the water and it will
eventually trickle down to the poor.
For some reason, this reminds us of renting beer.
Blab. A reader warns us about ...
Henry
Tudor--Shape Shifter?
And, indeed, that seems like a frightening possibility.
Plurp. The Ether Bunny made a somnambulistic appearance late
last night to hide the brightly colored eggs that Helen had so dutifully
dyed that afternoon.
The Local Rules insist that all such eggs must remain within the apartment
(no fair hiding them outdoors, or in the hall) and must be "hidden" so
that they are visible without moving anything (including doors) or standing
on anything (though they may be obscure and you may have to crouch down).
The Ether Bunny was particularly insidious this year. It took Helen
some four hours (and, for the last one, warmer-colder hints) to
find the last few eggs as they peered catlike from their hiding places,
smirking quietly.
Plurp. Helen was listening to The Godfather Part N last
night in the bedroom while we were working in the living room. Suddenly,
we felt a chill and became afraid.
It was because some thematic music in The Godfather, which was
playing, reminded us somehow of the
theme to the ancient 50's TV series (remember TV?) One Step Beyond.
One
Step Beyond featured spooky, other-worldly and scary stories, all allegedly
real and, in our adolescent horror, we believed them all and they kept
us awake at night, looking under the bed for hairy monsters. (For some
reason, all of the monsters of our childhood were mammals.)
What was the resemblance? We're not sure. We can't even find that Godfather
theme on the Web. (It's not the main theme.) Can our
readers find it and/or explain the similarity to us?
Plop. Lawyers at work.
By visiting this site, you
are agreeing to our Terms of Service.
Oh yeah?
Yo. Go play Hangman.
But without the graphics that made it barely interesting.
 Plop.
Those clowns at the DoD assure us that ...
Everything
DoD Does Is to
Protect
American Way of Life
Everything.
Absolutely everything.
There. We feel much better. Don't you?
Plurp.
By visiting this site
you are agreeing to become
the blue dog
 |
