Current
Earlier
Later
Archive
Home
Search
Mail
Stuff
Bigger! |
2001.10.14 : 2001.10.20
Saturday, October 20, 2001
Yo. Would you like to see the strategy of the U.S. air
war against Afghanistan? Look at the day-to-day
maps of bombing targets on the Global Security site.
Airfields and air defense. Terrorist camps for political reasons. Then
communications. Then garrisons of troops, again and again and again and
again.
Then, when they can't mount an air defense, can't communicate with their
leadership and when all of their ground troops are panicked by seeing their
comrades being blown to smithereens day after day, send in the assassins.
Isn't this fun?
Plurp. It is a disturbing truth that there are very, very bright
people in this world who are nonetheless teetering on the Precipice of
Bizarre Thought. There is a fine line between genius and madness, and we
have known people on both sides of its boundary.
Here is an example. Spend
some time looking through it. If you see the warning signs right away,
you're in good shape. If you believe this guy's credentials initially,
it may make you think a bit more critically about experts and authority
figures in the future.
And, either way, that's a good thing.
Plurp. He
is a terrorist; we just frighten people. (With apologies
to the undereducated copy-editors at The Times.)
 Plurp.
The blue dog
was already
frightened
Friday, October 19, 2001
Blab. A reader fills in the blank.
A beetroot compared with
a papaya is...
like mice from space. If you
must.
We must.
Blab. Another, more quantitative reader, suggests:
A beetroot compared with
a papaya is "a longer word with fewer syllables."
We have, by the way, checked the math on this one, and we concur.
Blab. On the topic of Human Being(some
assembly required), a reader writes:
I once had the idea to take
a dachshund (real or stuff plush toy, I hadn't decided), stuffing into
a mailing tube and selling it as "Weiner Dog in a Mailing Tube."
Could have been this year's Pet Rock.
L.
As a devoted fan of revolting little yap dogs, this does sound very much
like the ideal Xmas present. We'd like to order a thousand.
Blab. Mumble, mumble ...
Shoobity boobity boo ...tra
la la .. fanaggle shababble plonk
Mumble demonic mumble, mumble mumble, anti-Christian mumble, terrorist
mumble mumble Homeland mumble. Plonk.
Blab. Our Greatest Fan forwards us something unlinkable from
AOL that we nonetheless find in a legitimate location.
New York Artist Coats House
With Cheese
Yes, you heard it here second.
Cosimo
Cavallaro has a vision -- and it involves cheese. Tons and tons of
cheese, in fact. Enough cheese to blanket a house.
The New York artist began spraying
pepperjack cheese in the bedroom of a vacant home Tuesday. By the time
he's done, 10,000 pounds of cheese will cover the home, inside and out.
Welcome to the Wyoming Cheese House,
the latest project for an artist who lays claim to having covered a hotel
room and the model Twiggy in cheese. Now he's set his sights on a bigger
target.
Don't forget the crackers!
Blab. Our helpful reader points us to
where all those odd personality tests are coming from.
HELP! There's a witch lurking
inside of me.
And on that same note:
If I were a "FRIEND" - I'd be Rachael
If I were a DOG - I'd be a German
Shepard
If I were a vegetable: I'd be a Bean
Sprout
Okay - I made up the "Veggie Tale"
http://www.emode.com
To permit our treasured readers to indulge easily in these silly tests,
we have registered an account on Emode
for you to use. Just tell them your email address is plurp793@aol.com
and your password is plurp. (That way, you don't have to answer
their rude and impertinent questions.) Then tell
us your silly results.
Blab. Getting ready for the next big party, a reader discovers
the following.
"Bubonic
plague kills by cutting off cellular communication"
What happens if you don't own a cell
phone?
Then you're already cut off.
(And here we thought cell phones were the plague.)
Blab. On the topic of Hallowe'en costumes,
a reader writes:
The Hallowe'en costume thing
has caused quite a stir in our home this year. Though we'd like to
have unique costumes that fit our slightly warped sense of humor, we also
realize we'll be giving out candy to little 3-year-old ghosts and their
moms, and we generally like our neighbors.
We're basically torn between "Bar/French
Maid and Fat Old Innkeeper" and "Prince of Arabia and one of his wives
with an S&M theme."
Any more suggestions?
Maybe it's just that we live in Manhattan, but Prince of Arabia and
one of his wives wouldn't be real popular around here right now. If
you do decide to go that route, though, we suggest giving out envelopes
of powered sugar, always a hit with the kids.
If, on the other hand, you decide to go with French Maid and Fat
Old Innkeeper with an S&M theme, please do send pictures.
Blab. A reader interested in remotely piloted
aerial vehicles with Hellfire missles writes:
Your mention of the RQ-1
turning gamers into war-fighters reminds me of Orson Card's "Ender's Game."
This really could become warfighting of the future (at least for those
nations with at least $1 Trillion in their defense budget).
The rest of them will stick to semi-automatic
rifles hiding in mountained caves and cement bunkers.
Yeah. Guess who dies.
Yow. Here's a Web Search problem for experts.
Find an authoritative Web
source for the origin of the phrase "The show must go on".
Vague assertions about its origin don't count. We need serious evidence.
This turns out to be quite difficult, primarily because the phrase itself
is so common. In fact, we gave up on this one, which we've never done before.
So please, demonstrate your brilliance.
Plurp.
An anti-gay slur written
on one of the bombs used in the strikes on Afghanistan was inappropriate
and commanders have been directed to prevent similar incidents, a top Navy
official said.
While we agree that slurs
are bad, does this juxtaposition strike anyone else as odd, focusing
as it does on language when the purpose of the device in question
is to shred the bodies of human beings into tiny, charred, blood-splattered
fragments?
Yeah, OK, so it's just us.
Plurp. So, finally, Dan
Rather gets publicity over this anthrax thing too, without the inconvenience
of actually being endangered. He must have been feeling so left
out.
Courage.
Plop. And hey - just for fun - let's ignore the impact of the
economic downturn and bleed
dry those few companies that are actually making progress on Web-based
business.
Great. That'll help a lot. Thanks so much.
Plurp.
Today's Informant Jackpot
for informing on people we can claim were somehow associated with terrorism
is ... One
Million Dollars!
Congratulations to all of today's
winners.
Yow. Lots and lots and lots of good
maps of Afghanistan, including maps showing where the various military
actions have been day by day. Most excellent.
Yak.
Anti-whateverism
Plop. Those clever Loebner Prize folks held another quasi-Turing-Test
competition last weekend.
Judge: "I'm a scientist and
adhere to the principle of parsimony. How about you?"
Program: "I am god."
Very silly.
Plurp.
O little town of Bethlehem,
how still we see thee lie!
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
the silent stars go by.
Yet in thy dark streets shineth the
everlasting Light;
The hopes and fears of all the years
are met in thee tonight.
In one of Israel’s biggest
incursions into Palestinian territory, its army sent tanks into Bethlehem
today, commandeering two hotels for its troops, as it stepped up pressure
on the Palestinians following the killing of an Israeli Cabinet minister.
For Christ is born of Mary, and gathered
all above,
While mortals sleep, the angels keep
their watch of wondering love.
O morning stars together, proclaim
the holy birth,
And praises sing to God the King,
and peace to men on earth!
Israel sent about 30 tanks
and armoured personnel carriers into Bethlehem and adjacent Beit Jala before
dawn after Palestinian militants fired on a nearby Jewish neighborhood
on the southern fringe of Jerusalem.
How silently, how silently, the wondrous
Gift is giv’n;
So God imparts to human hearts the
blessings of His heav’n.
No ear may hear His coming, but in
this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive Him
still, the dear Christ enters in.
Plurp.
The blue dog
adhered to the
principle of adhesion
Thursday, October 18, 2001
Blab. On the topic of that patent
on programs that create Web sites, one of our famous copy-editing readers
writes:
98, not 88 (would have been
slightly more impressive in 88)
Absolutely write!
Blab. Another, more wordy, reader of that same ilk writes:
In fact, the patent to which
you made reference in your log yesterday was filed in 1998, not
1988 as you stated. Had it been filed in 1988, that would have been
impressive (and a worthy patent), as the first use of HTML was in 1990.
Thats correct.
Blab. Another reader checks in with his, her or its Star
Wars alter ego.
Hmmm...my friends always
told me I was evil. I always took it in a light-hearted, ha ha way--until
I found out that I am Emperor Palpatine.
Then you destroyed their home planet?
Blab. A reader seeking to induce us into work writes:
HELP! There's a witch lurking
inside of me.
And on that same note:
If I were a "FRIEND" - I'd be Rachael
If I were a DOG - I'd be a German
Shepard
If I were a vegetable: I'd be a Bean
Sprout
Okay - I made up the "Veggie Tale"
Yeah, OK, great. Those of you who refuse to include links are hereby included
on the list of emerging targets. We have enough to do without becoming
your sychophantic gopher. Got it?
Blab. Noting our rather shy response to the U.S. government's
latest ability to spy on us from space, a reader
suggests Plan B.
So look up and wave hello,
and have large fervent perverse naked orgies in the back yard at night!
It's a bit chilly for that just now, but we will keep it in mind.
Blab. A reader expects us to do their homework for them.
Now you're going to suggest
that somehow the Swedes are interested in the plights of Southwest Asia?
Or is IKEA Norwegian? I never
could tell....
IKEA
is, of course, structured as follows.
The from Inter IKEA Systems
B.V. independent IKEA Group includes not only most IKEA retailers, but
also the product development centre IKEA of Sweden AB and trading and wholesale
companies. The IKEA Group activities are coordinated by IKEA International
A/S in Denmark. The IKEA Group is owned by a charitable foundation in the
Netherlands.
We hope that clears it up for you.
We do not know whether IKEA is interested in having a pan-Holy-Lands
store. But if they're not? Tough. We all have to make sacrifices.
Yak. U.S. radio transmission to Afghanistan.
Attention Taliban, you are
condemned. Did you know that? The instant the terrorists you support took
over our planes, you sentenced yourselves to death. The Armed Forces of
the United States are here to seek justice for our dead. Our helicopters
will rain fire down upon your camps before you detect them on your radar.
Our bombs are so accurate we can drop them right through your windows.
Folks at lunch suggested that Babelfish was involved in this stirring bit
of prose. We think they left off the last, and obvious, line:
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG
TO US
Yo. We love three-panel comics that distill complex ideas into
their essence. In this case, it's the much-blogged What
To Do About Anthrax Terrorism. Go read it. Even if it does contain
naughty words. (geegaw)
So Osama bin Laden becomes
our President -- so what?
Plurp.
Plurp. Who would hijack
a bus? Once you had it, what would you do with it?
OK, buddy, we're takin' this
bus to Cuba!
The world is getting too weird.
Plurp. What are you dressing up as for Hallowe'en this
year, hmmm?
Yo. The U.S. has rocket-firing
pilotless drone aircraft in Afghanistan, flown and otherwise operated
from the U.S. This is the first time an armed RQ-1
Predator has been used in combat. We predict a big future for computer
gamers in the killing biz.
Plurp. Um
... ?
An ovary transplant within
the forearm grows and shrinks at different times of the monthly cycle.
The ovary can be seen bulging in this woman's forearm just above the elbow.
Yo. Did you know there was a .int
TLD? We didn't. But there is.
In brief, the .int domain
is used for registering organizations established by international treaties
between or among national governments. [...]
We recognize as organizations qualified
for domain names under the .int top-level domain the "specialized agencies"
of the UN (currently there are 14 of these) and the organizations having
"observer status" at the UN (currently 16).
Let's review. There is an Internet TLD, on the same lofty level as .com
and .org,
for a current maximum of 30 domains.
Maybe we should get our own TLD.
Plurp. We're thinking of marketing a box containing some carbon
and calcium and iron and sulpher and such, a vial of nitrogen and a bottle
of water, with a label on it that says:
Human Being
(some assembly required)
What do you think?
Plurp. A beetroot compared with a papaya is ...
?
Plurp.
The blue dog
once occupied
an entire
TLD
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
Blab. Our Japanese reader hopes it's not us.
Plurp-san: Tell us you're
not involved in this.
Now this is a great patent!
System and method for
building a web site using specific interface
Abstract
A software tool is provided for use
with a computer system for simplifying the creation of Web sites. The tool
comprises a plurality of pre-stored templates, comprising HTML formatting
code, text, fields and formulas. The templates preferably correspond to
different types of Web pages and other features commonly found on or available
to Web sites. Each feature may have various options. To create a web site,
a Web site creator (the person using the tool to create a web site) is
prompted by the tool through a series of views stored in the tool to select
the features and options desired for the Web site. Based on these selections,
the tool prompts the web site creator to supply data to populate fields
of the templates determined by the tool to correspond to the selected features
and options. Based on the identified templates and supplied data, the tool
generates the customized Web site without the web site creator writing
any HTML or other programming code.
This 1988 patent covers such a software tool as well as its use. And ...
IBM owns the patent. Mwaa-haa-haaa!
But no, we weren't involved with it, though we would have loved to have
been.
Blab. Booty LightDeer reveals more about
herself.
Sara as Lando
We always thought she had that traitor with a heart of gold look
about her.
Blab. And in a similar but perhaps more shocking development
...
Helen is R2
Ah. Let me just remove this restraining bolt and ...
Blab. A reader can't help but disagree with us. Categorically.
"We think the purpose of
all war is conquest."
All statements that assign an attribute
to every member of a class are false.
More seriously, wars have been fought
for a variety of reasons, and sweeping generalities will fail.
So, other than conquest and vanquishment, why else
are wars fought? Is it for the great food and comfy beds?
Blab. A reader who can read the thoughts
of long-dead saints suggests:
I think we should expand
on what St. Augustine was REALLY saying:
"The purpose of all war is peace on
your terms."
This satisfies your argument also
of vanquish and obliteration. FORCE them into peace by vanquishing
and obliterating them. Once they're all gone, everyone left sits
down and decides what kind of peace they're going to have.
We like happy endings.
Blab. A reader mistaking us for Pah
writes:
Pah... no mentions of sheds
in this Blog. Next!
Always anxious to please our readers, we offer these thousand words:
Blab. A reader catches us asleep at the cognitive
wheel.
No no no! The Current
Consensus is that the "Bert and Osama" picture really was on the signs.
The (um) oddity occurred in the signmaker's domain, not the news organization's.
See f'rinstance:
http://www.wired.com/news/conflict/0,2100,47450,00.html
Or is that what you meant?
Well we'll be corn swallowed! We couldn't actually make ourselves believe
that bin Laden supporters had somehow created Bert & Osama signs. In
our desperate attempt to resolve this maddening cognitive dissonance, we
drove our explanation straight into a tree.
Blab. What did this reader think HDML
meant? Well ...
I thought it meant "the Carolinas
are full of jailbait". I thought it meant "the Sky is Falling".
I thought it meant "Don't fence me in".
I thought it meant six more weeks
of wintermute?
It does.
Blab. Apparently agreeing with the basic premise of our Modest
Proposal for Mideast peace, a reader nonetheless has an objection.
IKEA ?
Couldn't you put something a little
more American like a Wal-Mart or something?
This is an international peace keeping effort.
Blab. A reader points out an unfortunate consequence of our Modest
Proposal.
Quote: "2. Declare
the various Holy Lands (e.g. Jerusalem), in aggregate, as an international
holding. No one is allowed to live there. That probably means that various
people have to move out. Again, tough. Quit griping and pack your bags."
Except where would all the tour guides
go? That'd be a helluva commute to work every day for the folks who
work the gift shops at the shrines and stuff.
Yes, and we do apologize for the inconvenience to all of the money lenders
in the various temples. But, tough.
Blab. On the topic of anthrax humor,
and we already regret introducing it, a reader writes:
Yes, Anthrax humor has spread
to the West Coast (though, to the best of our knowledge, "real" Anthrax
has not).
Today in our office the ladies were
discussing how make-up powder that doesn't stay on the face and drifts
harmlessly to the counter could look a terrorist scheme. Perhaps
it may soon become a federal crime to leave little messes like that behind
which may be mis-interpreted by the next person.
Also fitting the bill, they've decided,
are baby powder and baking flour, though the latter probably wouldn't be
found on a bathroom counter.
Who here remembers the plot device in the Batman movie? Hmm?
Yo. Friend Bill shows us an easy way to spy on what our friends
and family are doing on their computers: Keykatcher,
a hardware doohickey that records every keystroke that's typed by anybody
at all so you can read them later. We know you'll all be doing your part
for Homeland Security.
Yo. Every cloud has a silver lining. The silver lining in the
growing cloud of anthrax-laden dust is this,
from the Arizona Daily Star:
We all know that the threat
of being exposed to anthrax is small. [...] But because media have
been targeted with these attacks, we are concerned about our newsroom employees.
[...]
Effective today, we will no longer
accept "snail mail" addressed to Letters to the Editor, Caliente and Community
Calendar - the three features that generate the most mail to the newsroom.
Instead, readers are asked to use
e-mail, fax or our online calendar.
We can't figure out why people still use that dopey old snail mail anyway.
Yo. Did you wonder about that "previously scheduled" Titan III
launch from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California on Oct. 5? Of course,
you already guessed that it was a spy satellite, probably launched earlier
than originally planned in order to spy on doings in Afghanistan.
Now read
what it can do. Yikes.
Technical capabilities allow
Improved Crystal to resolve square or circular objects as small as 10cm
but linear structures of 5-8cm can also be detected. With this resolution
the visible optical spectrum can differentiate uniformed people from civilian
personnel and determine the size and carrying capacity of small vehicles
or two-wheeled motorised equipment. Infra-red imaging allows camouflage
and vegetation to be identified as well as natural surface flora modified
by the presence of groups of several people.
Moreover, thermal imaging provides
direct evidence of heat sources, identifying thermal plumes such as might
be found near machinery or venting from concealed locations of human habitation.
CCD image intensification provides a day or night coverage with a reduction
in resolution for night-time images. Improved Crystal allows discrimination
between subtle folds and hummocks in terrain – valuable for planning low-altitude
UAV flight paths or for briefing covert ground units.
Improved Crystal images of terrorist
camps in Afghanistan reveal primitive methods employed to conceal training
facilities and substantial equipment in tunnels and makeshift shacks.
[...]
Improved Crystal can take an image
every five seconds. [...] [T]he National Photo Interpretation Center can
be scanning 10cm resolution images from the other side of the world within
five minutes, relaying information back through to the National Command
Authority or to field commanders within seconds.
So look up and wave hello, and draw the shades at night.
Plurp.
The blue dog consisted
entirely of small granules of
leftover makeup
scraped from bathroom
counters
Tuesday, October 16, 2001
Blab. Our prolific Midwest Correspondent writes:
Hi Captain Plurp,
1. Poor Bert. He's evolved
from collecting paper clips to running with a rough crowd. And making
top billing in a weekly radio news quiz:
http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/
... and click on "Photo Extra!"
Here's more:
http://www.wired.com/news/conflict/0,2100,47450,00.html
2. That cute guy I live with
sighted a WIENERMOBILE tm, driving along a highway in Minneapolis!
And you thought all we have out here in the Midwest is alot of cows.
Oscar
Mayer Wienermobilia ...
Oh I Wish I Were An Oscar
Mayer Wiener...
If you have ever seen the WIENERMOBILE®
Vehicle, or heard the timeless Wiener
Jingle, then you know how exciting it is to see the 27ft long hot dog cruising
through your town. Now you can bring home the excitement of the WIENERMOBILE.
The WIENERMOBILIA(tm) Store has a special collection of traditional favorites
like the Oscar Mayer WIENERWHISTLE(tm) as well as new collectibles like
our OSCAR(tm) the Bean Bag toy. These pieces of Americana will bring smiles
to every kid and kid at heart! Take advantage of our introductory prices
while supplies last for these great items!
- Your Midwest Correspondent
 (1)
is the much-blogged Bert in the Osama pic. As we understand it, some (analog)
news organization ran a picture of bin Laden supporters waving signs, one
of which showed Bert beside bin Laden. Don't panic. The picture was (probably)
a phony from a well known Web site. Which means the news organization had
at least one total bozo working for it. Probably quite a few.
 (2)
We don't recall having ever seen a Wienermobile in person. We feel so left
out! But our kind reader does link to a really fabulous Oscar Mayer Wiener
site. (Gawd - is that a genre?) Don't miss the Jingle
Jukebox, where you can hear a bunch of off-key kids singing the Oscar
Mayer Wiener Jingle (among other classics).
Blab. A sexually charged reader without referent writes:
I thought it meant "Horny
Dog Makes Love."
It does.
Blab. A reader asks a rare, astute question.
Does Ireland in fact harbor
IRA (or otherwise) terrorists? I had the impression the IRA was sort
of a free-floating bunch of outlaws, mostly in Northern Ireland, and that
Ireland itself didn't support them any more than England does. But
I dunno...
So probing was this question that we were actually forced to find an
authoritative source rather than make stuff up like we usually do.
In Patterns of
Terrorism: 2001, the U.S. State Department defines
the following:
The term "terrorism" means premeditated,
politically motivated violence perpetrated against noncombatant (*) targets
by subnational groups or clandestine agents, usually intended to influence
an audience.
The term "international terrorism" means
terrorism involving citizens or the territory of more than one country.
The term "terrorist group" means any
group practicing, or that has significant subgroups that practice, international
terrorism. [...]
(*) For purposes of this definition,
the term "noncombatant" is interpreted to include, in addition to civilians,
military personnel who at the time of the incident are unarmed or not on
duty. [...] We also consider as acts of terrorism attacks on military installations
or on armed military personnel when a state of military hostilities does
not exist at the site [...].
(What a sly definition! Note that governments can't be terrorists. Handy,
that. Though, curiously, covert agents of a government can be terrorists.
Have they really thought that through?)
According to this particular definition, we suspect the IRA qualifies
as terrorists, though not as international terrorists since they
only attack folks in one country, and hence probably not of concern in
Dubya's War.
Does Ireland harbor the IRA? We don't know how Dubya might define the
word harbor, or even if he can, so it's not clear.
Though, if a major terrorist group called the RLA (Ruritanian Liberation
Army) killed hundreds of random civilians in neighboring Ruritania over
several decades, and if RLA members clearly lived in the U.S., raised funds
in the U.S., trained members in the U.S. and stockpiled weapons in the
U.S., it would seem hard for Dubya to ignore the U.S.'s responsibility
in failing to find and control such a group. Or, at least, that's our deluded
point of view.
Blab. And on that same topic, a reader asks:
So does this mean he's going
to start bombing Ireland as well?
Well, that is the consistency test, then, isn't it?
Blab. A reader makes a controversial extrapolation.
Your astute observation noted
that Ireland was not on the list of terrorist harboring countries.
How about Israel ? I suppose
if we're REALLY going to war against terrorism, Isreal has to be major
battleground.
Then again, it already is....
Definitions are always such feisty things, aren't they?
Plurp. On the radio this morning, the host was asking his boss
what the company was doing about mail room security to ensure that they
wouldn't all become infected with anthrax.
It's a comedy show, so all of the various "characters" were checking
in with all sorts of imaginary diseases from imaginary sources. (I had
a hot dog in the cafeteria today and now I've contracted anthrax.)
Anthrax humor.
It is a very, very strange time.
Plop. Your
tax dollars at work.
[S]tate Department of Environmental
Protection worker Joseph Faryniarz was charged Monday with making false
statements during an anthrax scare.
Faryniarz left white powder on a paper
towel with the misspelled label "anthax" on his desk last week. When the
FBI was called into deal with it, he first didn't let them know it was
a joke, and then tried to blame the incident on co-workers.
He later admitted that the colleagues
were not involved, and admitted he had known almost from the beginning
of the scare that it was a hoax.
"The complaint [by the U.S. Attorney
in Connecticut] charges that [Faryniarz] knew the incident was a hoax but
reportedly stood by silent as 800 employees were evacuated and 12 employees
were forced to disrobe and be washed down with a decontamination solution,"
Ashcroft said.
Those DEP folks - such humorists!
Yow. What Star
Wars character are we most like? Why, Luke
Skywalker, of course. Did you have any doubt? (allura)
Yow. And just in time for Hallowe'en, we learn the following
from Monster
Match:
Steve, there's a Witch/Warlock
lurking inside of you!
A teaspoon of moth's dust, a pinch
of turtles warts, a lock of baby hair and Poof! Your monster match is a
witch/warlock. You are a crafty one, always cooking up a wily plan.
Uncanny, isn't it, that whenever we could, we always played a Sorcerer
in D&D? (betty
woo)
(And don't worry, you can fib like crazy about all of the personal info
that they so rudely ask you before they show you the test.)
Yow. Another Helenism,
straight from the source:
Bright cookie
What is a sharp cookie, anyhow? Sounds painful!
Rant. So much of this terrorist stuff seems to revolve around
the continuing problems between Israelis and Palestinians. And that seems
unfortunate to us here at Plurp. So, as part of our continuing service
to humankind, we offer this obvious solution to the problem.
First, we observe that this conflict between Jews, Muslims and Christians
in this area has been going on for a couple of millennia, at least, and
shows no sign of subsiding. Second, we observe that it is focussed around
the various Holy Lands which, unfortunately, seem to overlap geographically
for these various groups. Third, we observe that the various groups involved
are not responsive to reason or traditional forms of international restraint.
So here's our very own Modest Proposal.
-
Give the Palestinians their own country. Duh. Isn't it obvious that
a Jewish religious state can't govern them? If appropriate, the Christians
in the region get their own country too. This may mean that some people
of one sect or another have to move. Tough. If you kids could handle conflict
and anger management, it wouldn't have come to this.
-
Declare the various Holy Lands (e.g. Jerusalem), in aggregate, as an international
holding. No one is allowed to live there. That probably means that
various people have to move out. Again, tough. Quit griping and pack your
bags.
-
Build two concentric, very large and very thick walls around these Holy
Lands. Between them, flatten everything and turn it into a No Man's Zone
that is patrolled 24x7 by U.N. troops ordered to kill any unauthorized
person in the Zone. This probably violates several religious tenants of
those concerned. Tough. You had your chance.
-
The three primary religious sects that regard the Holy Lands as holy get
to share it, whether they like it or not. Monday, it's the Jews. Wednesday,
it's the Muslims. Friday it's the Christians. On all intervening days,
U.N. troops will scour the entire Holy Lands area for anything that might
be a threat to subsequent religious sects. Security forces from the relevant
group are required to screen everyone entering the Holy Lands during their
turn, so it's their responsibility if anything goes wrong. Any nasty stuff
(bombs, etc.) found in the Holy Lands by U.N. troops in these intervening
periods will result in the banishment of the previous religious sect from
the Holy Lands for one year. No exceptions. This probably violates several
canons of various religious laws. Tough. Change your calendars and deal
with it.
-
Any violence perpetrated by one religious sect against another in the region
around the Holy Lands, or against the U.N. troops in the Holy Lands or
surrounding No Man's Land, will result in the banishment of the offending
religious sect from the Holy Lands for one year. No exceptions. We would
be sorry about this if you hadn't screwed up for hundreds, if not thousands,
of years.
You're right. This does not salve the millennia of religious wounds, nor
does it satisfy the various impossible constraints of the various religious
groups.
And you know what? Tough, that's what. The alternative is that we pave
the whole bleeding subcontinent over and make it into one gigantic Ikea
in which only atheists can shop. OK? We're tired of this.
Plurp. St.
Augustine said, The purpose of all war is peace.
Do you think that's true? We don't. We think the purpose of all war
is conquest, the vanquishing and obliteration of thine enemy. We think
people like St. Augustine, gawd bless him, hide behind nobler motives while
condoning massive slaughter.
But isn't that how it's always been?
The belief in the possibility
of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous
of human illusions.
Robert
Lynd, Anglo-Irish essayist and journalist
Plurp.
On the top of a very large,
very thick wall,
beneath the swept up residue
of talcum powder,
beneath a small collection
of Ruritanian cookie crumbs,
was the blue dog
Monday, October 15, 2001
Blab. Mistaking our humble Weblog for the U.S. Census
Bureau, a reader who may have flunked second grade writes:
how many people r gay
We dunno, but we can tell you that we have been considerably less
cheerful since the war began. How
about you?
Blab. Mistaking our humble Weblog for a CB radio, a reader writes:
Hey Midwest Correspondent
-- ask Steve about the Oscar Meyer truck we saw on I 95 in Maine?
When we were but a sprout, we had an Oscar Mayer wiener whistle!
Oh, I wish I were an Oscar
Mayer wiener.
That is what I'd truly like to be
(eee-eee),
'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener,
Everyone would be in love with me
(la-la-la-LA).
(Though, to be perfectly honest, we always sang the last line as:
Everyone would eee-eee-eee-eat
me (la-la-la-LA).
And no, we won't explain.)
Blab. Attempting to start a new terrorism rumor, a reader writes:
WAIT WAIT !
Look closely at the Plurp
photo of the NBC news center. Look closer... into the reflective
glare.... Isn't that the face of Osama Bin Laden? Or maybe it's just
Tom Brokaw. Either way it's pretty spooky.
Are you sure? We thought it was Nostradamus.
Blab. A reader who must protest writes:
OK, OK. I must protest
here in defense of "The Administration" (hereafter known as "Dubya's Dirty
Dozen")....
Of course he wants us to go on living
life as normal, while he sits in a bullet-proof suit with bullet-proof
body guards in a bullet-proof building. Doesn't any good leader do that?
Charles Schwab is telling everyone
to sit patiently and wait out the market slide while his henchmen shift
to a safer position in their own holdings, wondering what do they tell
their investors if the market keeps going down.
The Taliban is telling their troops
that God will protect them, as headquarters, bunkers, and their entire
defense infrastructure blasted into the skies.
And no doubt every time a computer
virus/worm slithers through the internet, virus experts tell everyone,
"don't panic, just don't read emails with the subj line 'Read this!'" while
research labs spend countless hours thinking about ways to stop future
cyber-attacks. Hmmmm....?
We are eternally impressed with the thoughtfulness and insight of our most
wonderful readers.
Plurp. When appropriately written, it's another palindromic date.
That's so disturbing.
Yo. Further study of information
on anthrax suggests that we were wrong in thinking that pulmonary and
cutaneous anthrax are two different strains. It seems that the difference
is only in how the anthrax spores are introduced into the body: via the
lungs or via a skin lesion (or even, in the case of intestinal anthrax,
via swallowing them).
That's bad. That means that any of the various anthrax-by-mail
cases (which now include U.S. Senate majority leader Tom
Daschle's office) could have been (or could still turn out to be) the
extremely deadly pulmonary form.
Yak.
It was as delightful as hell.
Plop. Some random (analog) TV show tonight reported that terrorism
related security at a Bob Dylan concert caused the organizers to forbid
backstage entrance to anyone who didn't have a pass. Curiously, Bob Dylan
didn't have a pass, resulting in several minutes of impressively paranoid
confusion.
We wonder if that happens in the White House.
Plop. Ian asked us at lunch
today if we really thought this was World War III. Yes, we said,
but isn't it obvious? Dubya has pulled his dichotomy out for all the world
to see: Yer fer us or yer agin us! With no allowance for neutrality
or disinterest this is, by definition, a World War.
For those of you have been too busy breeding anthrax bacillus in the
past week or so, this is not about Afghanistan. Dubya has made this quite
clear. As long as it takes. A global effort. Any country which harbors
or supports international terrorists.
Heck, there's an official U.S. government list of countries that they
consider to support international terrorism. As
of April, the list was: Cuba, Iran, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Sudan,
and Syria. You can bet their list has gotten longer since then. (Though
maybe Iran got off the list for not trashing the U.S. in the open media
recently. Yeah, that has nothing to do with harboring terrorists. Don't
ask us.) (And yeah, they somehow missed Ireland. We're not sure why that
is.)
Afghanistan is only the first skirmish, kids. Don't expect this to be
over any time soon.
Plurp.
The blue dog
was written entirely
in HDML
Sunday, October 14, 2001
Plurp. Here we are back in New York, or La Cible
as we say in our tres chic crowd, after a week vacating on the coast
of Maine. Read all about it.
Now that we're back, in these very troubled times, our highest priority
is obviously responding to reader
input.
Blab. Even in our absence, the Meme Mixer is busy.
Help us Blue Dog. You're
our only hope.
Blab. A reader of limited social
skills writes:
But, we don't know how to
talk among ourselves.
Watch out, or we'll turn you over to Helen for re-education!
Blab. In an orgy of self-gratification, bloggers post the most
Disturbing Search Requests from their sites.
searchrequests.weblogs.com
Frankly, all of ours are disturbing.
Blab. Gazing contemplatively at an old
issue of Plurp, a reader sends us the most obscure Mia
reference yet.
beetroot
Blab. A reader has what at first appears to be great news.
Hi Dr. Plurp,
Great news. You may already
be a wiener!
http://www.kraftfoods.com/jell-o/jell-o.html?B=*&L=3
- Your Midwest Correspondent
Ah. How sad. Amidst the more than 300 disturbing Jello recipes on this
site is, no doubt, one that makes the reader's comments relevant. Unfortunately,
our reader mistakenly took the URL of the surrounding frame, rather than
of the particular recipe, so there's no knowing.
Blab. A patriotic American reader writes:
Glad you are working away
on security issues.
Me, I am thinking like a good American:
what will this anthrax thing do to the market? Will my property values
go up or down given my place of primary residence? Should I go short
on flags?
In the meanwhile, people flock to
church and talk radio, while the participants in the horror quote their
gods, each of whom has a different view. And nobody's reading Erich
Hoffer's True Believer.
Didn't he become a political speech writer?
Blab. Meanwhile, some random user out there in Internetland named
sunnydale@anet.com
is infected with some dumb computer virus, as evidenced by their machine
emailing it to us.
Lifeforms that inhabit only the clueless. Weird, isn't it?
Blab. Our new capitalist friends from China have the most astounding
offer.
Dear sir/madm,
We can supply stable temperature shoes.
This is a sort of high-tech new products. This shoe was made used a sort
of high-tech material not used any battery, it can intelligentize to keep
stable temperature 30¡æ in the shoe. If you are interest in
this sort of high-tech warm shoes, please contact us ASAP.
Also we supply multifarious other
shoes, you can see them by clicking below:
http://www.chunpai.com/first-english.htm
Best regards.
Mr. Long Tan
( Satrap )
Imagine that! Those clever Chinese folks, long thought to be languishing
under dictatorial rule, have instead created a series of shoes that violates
the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
(And don't miss their flying
shoes. Imagine.)
Plurp. Gosh! The vile Aberration
creature appears to be bisexual. Literally. It is now pregnant.
Plurp.
Plurp.
The blue dog
really wondered about
that hairstyle
 |
