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2001.09.23 : 2001.09.29
Saturday, September 29, 2001
Blab. A compulsive reader writes:
Blue Dog! Blue Dog! Blue
Dog! Blue Dog! Blue Dog!
Next they'll be doing a Wave.
Blab. No doubt from the famed Meme Mixer ...
Tilted Bezos Face
Where Blue Dog Once Stood Watching
Elder Gods Delight!
How marvelously obscure and
inbred, don't you think?
Blab. Riffing on The Hunting of the Snark,
a reader riffs:
They sought it with thimbles,
they sought it with care;
They pursued it with hope and a spoon;
They came in the age's most uncertain
hour
And sang an American tune.
We are so jealous of this talent!
Blab. On the topic of the Lebanese family that wanted their Pullman
student to come home to the safety of Beirut, a
reader writes:
I have been to PULLMAN and
I agree...Lebanon would be safer. It's too close to the Idaho border -
and EVERYBODY knows that Idaho is a worthless pit of skinhead arian nation
biggots.
Yeah, those folks from the Church
of Arius always were creative spellers, even way back then.
Blab. A reader documents an unanticipated side effect.
Now look at what you've gone
and done to my roommate. First, he was confused by the Bezos head.
Then, scared for a few days. Now he's become enthralled, almost hypnotized
by it, and he talks about joining a Bezos head cult (or starting one, if
there aren't any already)!
He sounds easily led. Have him watch this
repeatedly. As usual, we cannot be held responsible for, well, much of
anything really.
Blab. Mistaking Plurp for a journal of reasoned political
discourse, a voluminous reader writes:
the REAL Helen wrote:
"Besides, what's the point of taking
pictures of the location of so many souls? I even know of someone
who took his mother (who was visiting from out of town) down there to "see."
I don't think I ever want to go down there again. And I can't imagine
"touring" the site. It sickens me."
the point is to remember; to commemorate;
to deal with it in our own ways. of course, some folks may have sensationalistic
reasons for snapping photos or going there to see. but i, over here on
a whole 'nother Coast, have a desire to go see for myself because it doesn't
feel real to me yet.
it reminds me a little of an Occupation
policy in Japan, under the aegis of SCAP - no pictures or accounts were
to be published about the atomic bombs. it was deemed too dangerous, too
shocking a tragedy (not to mention it made the Occupation look, well, potentially
bad). as a result, i think the Japanese people were cheated of a part of
their healing process which smarts to this day.
it is to avoid false memory that German
children and tourists are encouraged - not just allowed - to tour Auschwitz.
just because you can't see or take pictures of something doesn't mean it
doesn't exist. the monster doesn't go away if you don't look at it. that's
a dangerous illusion. sometimes confronting a terrible thing face to face
is the only answer to tragic, terrifying events.
so don't go if it sickens you. but
don't justify illegally stopping others from trying to understand and process
what's happened. and don't condemn them for that, either.
We were unaware of that Occupation story. Weird.
It always puzzles us when people feel it's a good idea to restrict public
information from public dissemination.
Plurp. My theme
song appears to be I Feel Good. (allura)
Owwww! Nothing gets you going
like an all-out, full force, soul-meets-jaguar, call of the wild. You've
got natural soul that comes out in the closed-eye, full-grinned, screeches
that James Brown made famous in this song. You don't even need music playing
to feel the beat. You were probably voted most friendly, best dancer, or
most likely to get this party started, because you do feel good. So good,
so good, you can even bring a smile to the grouchy DMV lady's face. Like
the syncopated beat of your theme song, you add just the right punch to
any conversation. Your friends love the up-beat you bring to their down-beat,
and your dates are never short of sugar and spice. Whether you are in the
middle of an important meeting or stuck in traffic, the King of Soul's
"I Feel Good" takes you through the toll bridge and towards the open road
to your next event. Owwww!
Hmm. These folks would be well advised not to quit their day jobs.
Yo. AT&T
is dying, says Fortune.
Yes, the word is "death,"
we're afraid. Amid all the debate over whether CEO C. Michael Armstrong
is doing the right thing by splitting AT&T into separate wireless,
cable, and telephone companies lies an inescapable hard truth: AT&T
is not merely another telco struggling with the collapse of the bubble.
[...] The worst-kept secret in telecom is that AT&T is going away.
Ken McGee, an analyst with the Gartner Group, says, "We really are witnessing
the death of an American icon."
Yikes. That doesn't even seem possible, does it?
Yow. Stratfor has a fabulous
series of articles laying out the strategic framework of the U.S.'s likely
response to recent events. They analyze bin Laden's organization and possible
intentions, which in their view are much different than the way
they're currently portrayed on the six o'clock news. They analyze the U.S.'s
possible approaches and come to conclusions that make a lot of sense to
us.
They may have some of it wrong, and we are certainly quite ignorant
of military strategy, but it sure looks to us like they have a lot of it
right.
Part 1: Conceptual
Framework of the War
Part 2: The Afghan
Theater of Operations
Part 3: The North
American Theater of Operations
Part 4: The Intercontinental
Theater of Operations
Part 5: Follow-On
Theaters of Operation
Highly recommended reading!
Yo. Here's the complete
text of the document that instructed the terrorists how to behave on
their last day. There seems to be lots of commentary on it in the various
media, characterizing it this way or that. It took us a while to find the
actual text.
Yow. We're glad we saw this in time. (Note the usual NYT disclaimer:
You have to register and, in a week, you have to pay to see the article
at all.)
In
Patriotic Time, Dissent Is Muted
[...]
One of the most visible examples of
this burgeoning debate involved a scuffle between the White House and Bill
Maher, host of the late-night talk show "Politically Incorrect." Last week,
Mr. Maher said that the hijackers were not cowards but that it was cowardly
for the United States to launch cruise missiles on targets thousands of
miles away.
Some of this main advertisers abruptly
ended their sponsorship of the program, which is designed to be controversial.
[...]
[T]he White House press secretary
denounced Mr. Maher, saying of news organizations, and all Americans, that
in times like these "people have to watch what they say and what they do."
[...]
Community reaction was swift and furious
when the newspaper columnists in Texas City, Tex. and Grant's Pass, Ore.,
criticized the president's actions the day of the attacks. [Both columnists
were subsequently fired.]
We hereby declare our unflinching belief in each and every one of the following.
-
Mr. Bush is the most brilliant, well-educated president the U.S. has ever
had.
-
Every action taken by Mr. Bush and his entire administration is also brilliant,
as well as perfectly conceived, ethically proper and metaphysically certain
to succeed.
-
Everything said by the Bush administration is Revealed Truth.
-
Everything we read in the media is Revealed Truth, except those blasphemous
lies written by those who do not believe in the perfection of the U.S.
government.
-
God is on the side of the U.S. at any given time.
-
God will visit his cosmic wrath on whomever happens to be an enemy of the
U.S. at any given time, foreign or domestic, often with the help of deadly
force on the part of the U.S., and that is a good thing.
-
Because of this, actions taken by the U.S. government, which may appear
to the unfaithful to violate the Constitution, international law or common
ethical standards, are nonetheless Good, Godly, Right and Proper and we
will support them with our dying breath.
 Plurp.
The Bezos head
believed pretty much
anything
Friday, September 28, 2001
Blab. Surprised by our surprise,
a reader asks:
Why are you surprised to
find out you're a lesbian? You like women, right?
Well, uh, OK then, we suppose we're not surprised.
Blab. A militant reader writes:
Time to start Operation Infinite
Princess against Mr. Chess
Maybe. Or maybe it's time to make up more silly operation names.
-
Operation Unstated Purpose
-
Operation Ambiguous Goals
-
Operation We'll Let You Know
-
Operation To Be Determined
Blab. A reader explores many possibilities.
Sounds like Stuart and his
wife have alot of experience with Operation names. And we thought
those girls were so perfect! Or maybe they say these things to each
other?
What things?
Blab. A sickened reader writes:
The reason behnd the ban
on photo taking down at the WTC site is that people are tying up traffic
taking pictures of the disaster area. Also, Rudy says it is still
a crime scene. He notes, as well, that relatives of the lost family
members are having personal tours of the site and Rudy wanted to preserve
the dignity of their grief. Besides, what's the point of taking pictures
of the location of so many souls? I even know of someone who took
his mother (who was visiting from out of town) down there to "see."
I don't think I ever want to go down there again. And I can't imagine
"touring" the site. It sickens me.
--Helen - the REAL Helen
Here's where we have to confess to that we already knew why it might be
in bad taste to take pictures of the WTC site. What confuses us, though,
is how it can be made illegal. Is there really a policy in New York
City that anything Rudy doesn't like is automatically illegal?
 But
... touring the site. Hey, that's a great idea! We could get Disney
to turn it into a theme park, with rides and stuff. You know, Towers
of Terror. Funny cartoon guys in stereotypical terrorist outfits. Inspirational
music playing from speakers hidden in the rubble.
Thanks for the suggestion.
(And yes, we're automatically illegal.)
Blab. A reader unlikely to patronize our theme park writes:
I can understand why the
mayor
banned any further (amateur) photos of the
WTC site. The sensitivity
of the whole situation demands such actions. Would you like to
be
looking through
the internet and find a picture
of the WTC site and see something resembling a human
finger in the rubble?
The New York area and the entire country has been emotionally
scarred enough. Do we need to see MORE pictures
of twisted wreckage and chunks
of human flesh?
You know, you're right. Just imagine how bad that would be. We're glad
Rudy is jailing amateur photographers for taking pictures. We hope other
cities, and other countries, will follow his example.
Blab. Citing an unimpeachable source, a reader solves the mystery
of it being illegal to take pictures of the WTC site.
The voices suggest that it's
a "Crime Scene", and that it is in some sense not legal to take pictures
of a "Crime Scene" unless you're an Organ
of the State. But I dunno. Sounds stoopid.
Interesting concept. That would be the first time we've heard of the idea
that citizens can't photograph crime scenes. Would newspapers really be
able to function if that were true?
But don't call the voices stoopid! They hate that.
Blab. A rhythmic snugglist writes:
Can I be your snuggle partner???
Your biggest fan
We're got the moves, we've got the partner, we're going for the gold!
(Now please excuse us while we go practice. Again and again and again.)
Blab. A fat friend of Jolene
Blalock writes about:
Jolene Blalock and her two
fat friends
Who's the other one?
Blab. On the topic of those poor, disappointed
terrorists, a reader writes:
Maybe hell IS their eternal
paradise.
From what we can tell from our recent reading, it is definitely a step
up from Afghanistan.
Blab. A reader makes a wild claim.
The blue dog had feet!
Actually, being a two-dimensional cartoon icon (at best), we're not sure
those areas of color actually qualify as feet under the technical definition.
Blab. Plurp's own literary agency writes:
The incredible disappearing
blue dog puzzled me, but then I put it aside thinking, hey, it's none of
my bezos. But then...it all became clear today after I read the story
in the L A Times business section.
In their continuing efforts to make
the skies safe and profitable for everyone except the nice people who took
your bags at the sidewalk, the airlines who are getting Billions of Dollars
from us through a government action, while stiffing workers they fired
claiming force majeur/act of god nonsense, the airlines in general, but
not all airlines, have constituted rules about shipping animals by air.
Animals must now be shipped on most lines by a known air shipping agency.
Why do you think that is, huh? Could it be a well covered up story
of an exploding blue dog? Huh?
Yrs,
Suspicious LitGuy
As we said, we cannot comment on ongoing operations. We will point out,
however, that there are no publicly documented incidents of an exploding
blue dog.
Blab. In a rare appearance, a long-dead saint writes:
I have thought long on it,
and while I prefer not to judge lest I be judged, I must say that I am
much that the Broken Joke did not ever catch on. If broadcast among
us it would certainly have caused me at least to the rim of the realm of
thought that would lead me to the near occasion of sin, if not to a capital
sin itself.
StAugustine
A snake walks into a bar with a naked man, a naked woman, and an apple
...
Blab. A reader who doesn't actually sound normal nonetheless
suggests:
Those reading Plurp via Opera
can enjoy the pithy sayings of the Bezos Head (and, you know, the BLUE
DOG) by pressing "g" (or clicking the little Images icon) to turn off images
(and display ALT text), and then doing it twice more to get back to normal
("normal").
... then stand on your head and scream like a chicken.
Blab. Speaking of hacks, another reader suggest one for the New
York Times.
If you only want headlines:
"http://search.nytimes.com/search/"
Look. The New York Times has a free search facility.
 Plop.
A case of tertiary anachrony seems to have broken out at Motorola.
What else could explain their announcement of cell
phones that you crank up to make work?
Plurp. We know it's just us. We're sure nobody else thought the
following two headlines odd, coming as they did on the very same day.
See? It's just us.
Plop. Yes, Jesse
Jackson is an idiot. In case you were still wondering.
Plurp. Speaking of George, have you noticed
some new euphemisms on the news when they talk about recent events? No?
Well you should, 'cause just imagine how embarrassing it would be to get
caught using oldspeak at a dinner party, much less on the phone. We here
at Plurp are happy to provide you with translations. Just so you
don't misspeak.
Plop. From a New York Times article about discrimination and
threats towards Arab students in the U.S.
Every day a 6 a.m. my mom
is calling me. She is crying: "Please come home. It will be safer for you
in Lebanon than in Pullman."
For the geographically and/or politically challenged, Pullman is a small
university town in eastern Washington. Beirut, where the student is from,
is a war-torn city in Lebanon.
Yo. Microsoft stock may be down
over 58% since last year but Ballmer and Gates are each getting paid
nearly
half
a million more this year. We have to wonder how much they would be
getting paid if Microsoft went bankrupt.
Of course, these numbers are meaningless, as most of their wealth is
in stock and stock options. Little Billy, for instance, is said to be worth
$54
billion.
Plop. You know, we remember a time when The
Times (that is, the principle analog newspaper of London) was one
of the great newspapers of the world. Yeah, so we're really old and that
might have been a long, long time ago. But the current newspaper by that
name seems more like a tabloid, in the sense that their headlines and articles
are either screamingly editorial or weirdly freakish.
As evidence, we submit the following.
We would display more such examples, but The
Times site doesn't seem to have any way to look at issues other
than today's.
In any event, we mourn its passing.
Yo. Those Taliban folks - they're so funny! First they
had bin Laden in custody. Then they lost track of him and didn't know where
he was. Now, they say that they've
delivered
a message to him.
Imagine the U.S. Postal Service, able to deliver mail to someone that
they can't find. Yeah, that's perfectly normal.
We're expecting those Talibanians on Letterman sometime real, real soon.
Plurp. Testimony
to the infinite cleveritude of U.S. law enforcement agencies:
A man with a portrait of
Usama bin Laden tattooed across his chest and carrying false identification
was arrested after the attacks on New York and the Pentagon, police in
southern California said.
We would appreciate it if those of you intending to be a threat to the
U.S. would please tattoo a portrait of Usama bin Laden across your chest
and carry false identification.
It would help the police so very much. Thank you.
Plop. "Oh
God, open all doors to me," said the highjackers.
If it's not too much trouble, can we please stop having such gods? Yeah,
we know it's a break with tradition. But still.
Yo. In another break with tradition, we violate our long-standing
policy of not linking New York Times articles because the blighters charge
for access to their archives. But today they do have a really
good article on the physics and engineering behind the WTC collapse.
Well we found it interesting.
Plurp.
The Bezos head
wanted to tattoo a portrait
of the blue dog across his
chest
Thursday, September 27, 2001
Blab. A reader sends us a link:
http://www.google.com/search?q=uudecode+windows+
This appears to be a list of sites containing information about obscure
Windows utility programs. We thank the reader for providing this valuable
service for our other readers who were, no doubt, waiting breathlessly
for just this information.
Blab. A reader with a taste for the unbelievably gross writes:
???
Well, it's apparently a Chinese site alleging that grilled or barbecued
babies are now Japan's hottest food (pun not intended, we suspect). Complete
with pictures (!).
Dear reader, we recommend that you seek competent professional care.
Right away.
Blab. A reader suggests a new Olympic event.
Rhythmic snuggling!!
Absolutely! We've already started training. Where do we sign up for the
trials?
Blab. A reader sends us a blind ...
[link].
Ah. More useful information on the Vulcan science officer in the new Star
Trek series.
As good trekker knows it,
the vulcains usually so logical and under control of their emotions, are
taken, every 7 years, of furious impulses obliging them to act manners
well not very suitable with a single aim of coupling itself, it is what
one calls "Pon farr " (cf ST:classic "Amok time " "blood fever " ST:Voyager
and ST III).
With believing photographs Ci of them
below, one would say that You pol. (interpreted by Jolene Blalock) next
heroin vulcaine of the Series Trek Star: "Enterprise " was caught in the
act whereas it crossed this difficult cycle...
Yes, very illustrative. The chains are a nice touch.
Blab. A youth organization writes:
After our call last night,
Stuart and I came up with a few more Operation names. We'd be walking
around, getting ready for bed and one of us would start laughing:
"How about Operation ..." For me, these humorous military names touch
a deep tension I feel of the horror of what has been and may be.
Stuart and I have had different responses to the recent events and it has
felt therapeutic to laugh together about these Operations names.
Thanks for that, Captain Plurp. {I made notes below for you in ()
since only you and Helen would be interested in them.}
Operation
.. You Say You're Sorry (from Sarah)
.. Stop That- I Mean It (from Sarah)
.. You Think You're So Smart
(Stu's mom said this one)
And our two personal favorites
.. You're In Deep Do Do
.. You Piss Me Off
-YMWC
You're more than welcome! We're generally confused by the folks who say
that we shouldn't be joking about all this awful stuff. We have
to laugh at it, or our head would surely, um, explode. (See?
We can't even explain our own internal anxieties without slipping into
tastelessness. We're going to blame it on our genetics.)
We really like Operation Stop That - I Mean It, and our kind
youth organization will be happy to know that we have sent email with this
suggestion off to Colin Powell, forged to look as if it came from you.
Plop. We heard on the (analog TV) news last night that there
is a ban on taking pictures of the WTC site. Apparently those taking pictures
can have their cameras confiscated and can themselves be arrested.
Huh?
Has the New York government somehow copyrighted the photons? Perhaps
some legal beagle amongst our readers can explain
to us what basis in law could possibly be used to prevent the taking
of photographs in a public place.
Plurp. The evil
Aberration monster is still alive and kicking, and still spending most
of its time pursuing prurient activities. The new news is that it had its
first meal (apologies to the other poor creature) and now seems to be an
expectant parent. We wonder if this will cause it to become more mellow
and maudlin.
Plop. OK, David's
right. Marriott (our cafeteria provider) maxes out their Tastelessness
Points by scheduling their Customer Appreciation: All You Can Eat
day for Yom Kippur. Doncha
think?
Yow. Everybody blogged it yesterday so the site was hosed, but
you can sometimes get through to it today so now we'll blog it too. This
week's
The Onion
is a special issue on All This Bad Stuff, and it is really brilliant. We
had stopped reading The Onion a while ago after it seemed to get
adolescent, but they have redeemed themselves this week. It's not just
funny; it's amazingly poignant.
Some samples:
U.S.
Vows to Defeat Whoever We're At War With
[T]he congressional move enables the
president to declare war, "to the extent that war can realistically be
declared on, like, maybe three or four Egyptian guys, an Algerian, and
this other guy who kind of looks Lebanese but could be Syrian. Or whoever
else it might have been. Because it might not have been them."
Highjackers
Surprised to Finds Selves In Hell
'We expected eternal paradise for
this,' say suicide bombers.
Arab-American
Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone
ROYAL OAK, MI— Eddie Bahri, 8, a Lincoln
Elementary School third-grader of Iraqi descent, tearfully denied accusations
during morning recess Tuesday that he was a terrorist who killed a bunch
of people.
God
Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
"I don't care how holy somebody claims
to be," God said. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone,
they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are, or who you think
your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone
else's, ever again."
[...]
"I'm talking to all of you, here!"
continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want
you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do
I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore—ever! I'm f***ing serious!"
Upon completing His outburst, God
fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then,
witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.
Plurp. Has anyone else been amused by Dubya's persistent use
of the term evil-doers?
We are very fond of this term, but not because of its current popularity.
In fact, the only venue in which we had ever heard it prior to this was
in comic
books, mostly the Superman
and Batman
comics that we inhaled as a kid. The word itself seemed a caricature, even
at the time. It was not a word you would use in normal conversation, nor
apply to real world criminals.
Has that changed? Do you now sit around the dinner table and talk about
evil-doers?
Tell
us.
Yow. An online (searchable!) version of Orwell's 1984.
And Huxley's Brave New World (but
not searchable). Is that cool or what?
Which of these classic books was it in which the Government broadcast
instructions for everyone in the country to stick their heads out of their
doors at the same time and look for the Protagonist, in order to catch
him and bring him to justice? (And isn't it interesting that Ashcroft
did this just today?)
Readers?
Plurp. Hmm. That does bring a new and rather darker meaning to
the phrase politically incorrect.
Plurp.
The Bezos head
wanted to follow in the
footsteps of the evil-doing
Aberration monster
Wednesday, September 26, 2001
Blab. Inspired, we imagine, by our insanely clever piece
on flesh colored crayons, a reader writes:
Do they have a color called
"Meat"?
(Do they have a molar called "Feet"?)
She's pulled another hat out of the
ring. The gigathaurs are dying for love (the megadonts are dyeing
above).
Caution: men working in trees.
Yes, but it
doesn't render in my browser. Doesn't render. Doesn't ...
Blab. A reader suggests more military operation names we'd really
like to see.
-
Operation Wait Until Your Father Gets
Home
-
Operation I'm Going To Count To Three
-
Operation You Want A Spanking?
-
Operation Hand Over Those Car Keys
Exploiting Plurp's astonishing multi-media facilities, our Midwest
correspondent uses one of those quaint analog telephone things to submit
the following.
-
Operation I'm Asking You Nicely
-
Operation You're Grounded
-
Operation If You Do That, I'm Taking Away Two Points
The Midwest must be such a gentle place.
Meanwhile, Dave
blogs military operation names constructed from names of Iain
M. Banks' Culture ships. Curiously, his list does not include
Operation
Don't Make Me Come Down There (which, in our humble opinion, would
make a great name for a military starship).
Operation Send Us More Stuff To
Blog!
Blab. A reader suggests another bumper sticker
we won't see real soon.
"My other car is full of
screaming passengers"
We don't have another car, actually, but every time we have passengers
they are usually screaming. Does that count?
Blab. Another new reader checks in.
The name's Al. Al Qaeda.
Yo, Al. Can we send you a fruit basket too?
Blab. A reader figures it all out.
So, let me understand this.
I must provide YOU with a link to any story I send you but you don't have
to do the same. Ah.....got it now. It must be wonderful to be above
it all!
-still learning in cyberspace
That's correct. It's one of our god-given, constitutionally protected rights
as the publisher of a weblog. Until Ashcroft
changes his mind, of course.
Blab. A reader who has not figured it all out writes:
I have the Blue Dog.
Hand over Jeff Bezos and I will release the stupid dog.
Osana bin Laden
While we cannot comment on ongoing operation, we surmise that certain parties
are beginning to see how much trouble they are really in.
Blab. A reader tells a very obscure joke.
begin 644 uudecode.exe
[Large number of unintelligible characters
omitted - Plurp]
end
See, we said we couldn't verify that yesterday's reader
submission was really the blue dog because we didn't have ... Never
mind.
Blab. And, speaking of Princess
Bride, a reader notes the following.
David's
saying some
unspeakable things about Princess Bride in his blog:
"I don't quite understand how it's
become such a Cult Film among the clued; perhaps I just wasn't sufficiently
stoned."
Perhaps stoning is exactly what he
needs.
In an increasingly hysterical and violent atmosphere, we advocate calm.
Once he has watched it another dozen times or so, we're sure he'll see
the light. Or become One with it.
Blab. Attempting to clear up our confusion about how the bin
Ladenites think things will turn out to their liking,
a reader writes:
Perhaps they believe that
any Moslem turned to glass by the enemies of Islam will go straight to
paradise? Just a thought. Also, some bizarre Islamic analog of the "Concerned
Christians" cult might be a possibility.
(A roundabout way of suggesting that
the answer to your question might be found in Islamic theology.)
This suggests an interesting new strategy: Distribute thousands of Personal
Glass Transmutation DevicesTM, carefully
keyed to the relevant individuals, and let them find their own way into
paradise. In some cases, they might even make nice sculptures. eBay take
note!
(We were previously unaware of the Concerned
Christians. Fun folks!)
Blab. Our Apropos Plagiarist shows up with this:
They sought it with thimbles,
they sought it with care;
They bombed it with butter and hope;
They threatened its life with a railway-share;
They charmed it with smiles and soap.
Amazing how it fits, isn't it? Rather like Nostradamus.
Then the Butcher contrived an ingenious plan
For making a separate sally;
And had fixed on a spot unfrequented by man,
A dismal and desolate valley.
Blab. Another reader comes to a lifestyle realization.
But... ...I didn't even know
I was a lesbian!
--Chicken LaughingCow
Yes, well, imagine our surprise.
Blab. A reader kindly keeps us up on international events.
In a tour de force, Taliban
supporters attack
an empty building... injuring soldiers and people nearby, and accidentally
starting a fire that spreads through nearby parking lots.
Ahh ... reminds us of college.
Blab. A reader wonders about a ...
Shadow
president?
Hmm. A photograph of the blue dog's dumber brother.
Blab. A reader who might be a literary agency writes:
Ask any guy in the barrio
how to keep someone out of your living room: get a jimmy proof iron
gate to the windows and doors. American air carriers, please copy.
An electronically controlled gate
between passenger section and the cockpit would not change air pressure
but would keep nosy people out. But then, of course, it might mean
the end of four first class seats, and we couldn't have that,now, could
we.
Yrs,
LitGuy
Now why didn't you suggest that earlier? Imagine all the trouble you could
have saved us.
Plop. Good heavens! Is it only Wednesday?!
Plop. For another perspective on the balance between security
and civil rights, try China,
which recently held public executions of people who had "apparently been
captured fighting for an independent Islamic state in the predominantly
Turkic province of Xinjiang."
The ghoulish spectacle lasted
a full hour, blocking the city's main thoroughfare. Then, after a final
rallying cry and a wail from a police siren, the lorry convoy started its
grim journey. Thousands of onlookers lined Liberation Street, surging forward
as the lorries sped past. Many laughed nervously when they came face-to-face
with the prisoners heading to the execution ground. Only a few children,
clutching their veiled mothers’ hands, recoiled from the crowd.
The prisoners said nothing. Each had
a large sign hung about the neck. Written in the local Turkic language,
not in Chinese, the signs spelt out the men's crimes, including "disturbing
public order" and other catch-all charges.
[...]
"They got a bullet in the back of
the neck," he said. "It was all over in just three minutes."
According to local custom, the bullet
will be sent to the family of the deceased as a warning to future generations.
One Beijing-based diplomat said:
"We assume that Beijing will
take opportunistic actions, knowing the world will not object at the moment."
In the near future, he added, human rights groups were unlikely to find
much of an audience for their reports about police brutality and colonial
exploitation.
The fun thing about national emergencies is that it's so easy to slip your
unpopular agendas through. But of course, that only applies to China.
Yo. Is it normal to feel this bad after a trauma? Yes.
Research has shown that people
who've been through a catastrophe like this need to talk--and they need
to talk to enough other people to get a sense that their feelings are valid.
There is a second wave of shock. By now, more than 10 days after the events,
a lot of people thought they would start to feel better than they did at
first. That hasn't happened--and that's a common pattern among trauma survivors.
At first, there is numbness. Then the shock becomes real.
So hang in there everybody. Some of you might still be normal.
Yo. From our ignorant perspective, Stratfor seems to have an
excellent analysis of how military action against Afghanistan is likely
to proceed.
There will be no massive
deployment of aircraft or divisions to the region. This will be a guerrilla
war, with the United States orchestrating the guerrillas.
Has there ever been a gorilla war?
Yow. Bovine's right
- the trailer for The
Spiriting Away Of Sen And Chihiro, does look cool!
Yow. T'pol, the new Seven of Nine.
Plurp.
The Bezos head
had no hands
to hand over
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
Blab. Rather than bombing
Afghanistan with butter, a tasty reader suggests:
send OBL chocolate!
Invest in See's
Candies now.
Blab. We discover a reader who needs to be nudged out of the
nest.
missed the link to the Rumsfeld
interview............
You must, dear reader, one day be weaned from the sinewy blue teat of Plurp
and learn to chew solid Google yourself. Let this be that day.
 Blab.
A concerned reader writes:
Was the blue dog visiting
the world trade center on September 11th? Please bring him back!
Plurp reader #1
Off the record? Well, according to G, there is
photographic
evidence supporting this speculation. But, officially, on the record,
we are unable to comment on ongoing operations.
Blab. A sharp and observant reader determines that Ed Koch is
not moonlighting as the CEO of Amazon.
It's definitely Bezos and
Spacey separated at birth, but could we please have the blue dog back.
Please.
Again, we are unable to comments on ongoing operations.
Blab. A reader comes to a certain realization.
Sara is now a lesbian: Booty
LightDeer - I never knew...
Neither did the other deer, dear. Welcome to the club!
Blab. Another reader's white lesbian name
is:
coffee nightweaver :-0
Yes, that is frightening.
Blab. A reader asks the salient questions.
What the heck was Freddy
Mercury thinking? (NO, not even the deceased can escape mocking.) A very
"out of the closet" homosexual male singing a song like "Fat Bottomed Girls"...?
What will they think of next? Seattle rappers who like big butts (and I
cannot lie).
You know, at one time we actually had a direct mental link with Freddy
Mercury. But, since the abduction, it hasn't been working well. We keep
getting disturbing images of Jeff Bezos instead.
So, we don't know.
Blab. A reader speculates on the origin of
a phrase, while giving no Web citation whatsoever.
The "wrong end of the stick"
is the one you're not holding onto....ergo being thwacked by.
I assume.
Why are we always forced to answer our own puzzles for our lazy, shiftless
readers? E. Cobham Brewer's 1898 Dictionary
of Phrase and Fable attributes its origins to the misuse of walking
sticks
Wrong End of the Stick (You have
got hold of the).
-
You have quite misapprehended the matter;
you have got the wrong sow by the ear.
-
There is another form of this phrase
which determines the allusion.
-
The toe of the stick is apt to be fouled
with dirt, and when laid hold of defiles the hand instead of supporting
the feet.
Love that sow bit. We shall have to work that into conversation.
Blab. A reader peppers us with questions.
Little thoughts, thanks.
Bice site. Who are you? Why? And does George Rodriguez
let you use his dog? Why is the dog unleashed?
Yrs,
LitGuy
ps...let's hear it for the grammar
people.
Vic? Is that you?
Anyway, that's very bice of you! As to your questions, please see our
friendly FAQ. (Dog? What dog?)
Blab. A reader sends this heavily encrypted message.
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M@6U=-_[QB_!KPB6_^``'<#`#',1@ The
point is, if the U.S., Russia and China decide that their individual and
collective State existence really is threatened by bin Laden and
his merry men, if the superpowers see no other way out, then ... let's
think ... let's think ... Oh! They'll turn anybody that looks threatening
to glass! Very, very hot glass, perhaps over a rather large area of the
world, and certainly anywhere that there is a nontrivial collection of
people espousing his-flavor-of-Islam. They won't just move the rubble around,
they'll seal it over and make it uninhabitable for several thousand years.
And this benefits bin Laden and crew, how, exactly?
See? We just keep missing the deep and clever logic of the situation.
Readers, especially terrorists, are invited to enlighten
us. Please.
(Though see this
interesting analysis for an alternate point of view.)
Plurp. And, by the way, we have some humble advice for all you
folks who are raising yet more money to benefit the victims of the tragedy
two weeks ago: Save some for next time. This particular horror movie is
just getting started.
Plurp. Oxymoron o' the Day:
Holy war.
Yak. Military operation names we'd really like to see. From lunchtalk
today.
-
Operation Because I Said So
-
Operation I'm Counting To Ten
-
Operation You're Getting A Time Out
-
Operation Wait 'Til The President Gets
Home
-
Operation Didn't You Hear Me
-
Operation Straighten Up Or You're In
For It
-
Operation See What You Made Me Do
And our all-time favorite:
-
Operation Don't Make Me Come Down There
Plurp. On the other hand, bumper stickers you're not likely to
see any time soon.
-
Honk If You're Al Qaeda
-
I'm a Terrorist and I Vote
-
My Other Car Is a Highjacked Plane
-
Got Anthrax?
Plurp. As long as we're talking about racial profiling (and we
were, weren't we?), consider the curious case of the Crayola
Company. They were stuck in the 1950s with a crayon whose color they
named Flesh.
We know. What were they thinking, offending, as they did, both People
Of (Other) Color and vegetarians alike? But they did. 'Course, in the racially
sensitive sixties, that just wouldn't do.  We
wrote to them, recommending that they change the name to Caucasian.
But they didn't. They already had a crayon named White (our second
choice, for what we hope are obvious reasons). They declined that as well.
They settled on the epidermically neutral Peach.
We rather like that! It means that we need no longer consider ourselves
to be Caucasian, with its odd image of distant mountains, or the
rather more trailer-trashy
White Folk. Instead, we are Peach
People. Rather tasty, don't you think?
Plurp.
The Bezos head
was the color of
very, very hot
peach
Monday, September 24, 2001
Blab. A reader who has been much in the news recently
mistakes our blog for a guest book.
Osama Bin Laden
If our reader could just let us know where he's located, we'd be happy
to send a welcoming delegation. And a fruit basket.
Blab. Our Midwest Correspondent writes:
Dear Captain Plurp,
I thought I'd share with you and your
readers this
helpful technical advice that recently came to my attention.
Ever since my Operations Systems upgrade
nearly 23 years ago, I've found that the preferred applications are anything
chocolate, especially if it's ice cream.
- Your Midwest Correspondent
The helpful reader references a tech note on what it would be like if relationships
were computer programs. As we all know, if relationships were computer
programs, we would spend countless hours tearing our hair out without any
hope of getting them to do what they are supposed to do. Unless they were
games, of course, in which case we would spend countless hours tearing
out hair out even though they were doing exactly what they were supposed
to do.
Hmm ...
Blab. Demonstrating that the human spirit soars skyward even
in the midst of tragedy and despair, a reader writes:
Heard from the mouth of dwl
at lunchtime, and submitted as a Helenism:
'Getting the short end of the
stick':
* Getting
'the short straw'
* Getting
'the wrong end of the stick'.
Nice! And, curiously, we seem
to have included essentially this same Helenism as a constituent part of
a previous Helenism.
I got the shaft end of the
stick
-
I got the short end of the stick
-
I got the shaft
The possibilities for recursion are terrifying.
Curiously, Google prefers short
end of the stick to wrong
end of the stick by 13,900 to 3,700 (Thankfully, shaft
end of the stick is a distant third with only 10, almost all of
which seem to be legit hockey references.)
What is the etymology of wrong end of the stick? Readers?
Blab. Ever curious as to the mysteries of our disturbing
domestic life, a reader writes:
Why does a single control
device operate both your kitchen fan and the sticking screen door?
How else would you do it?
Blab. A reader sings thusly, if slightly off-key:
"Toss me a raincoat, I think
there's one in my flotilla"
"We inhaled the last one an hour
ago"
So I lunged at the stacks of wheat,
she read her uncle's future,
And the moon rose over the White
Cliffs of Dover
It's not clear to us if this is Simon & Garfunkle as run through Babelfish
or as run through the psychotropically enhanced mind of one of our dear
readers. It is, however, clear to us that we don't really want that
to be clear to us.
Blab. Stinging (maybe) from our question about the appropriateness
of sending a link to a picture of the blue dog
in the smoke of the WTC, a reader writes:
I apologize; I had no intent
to offend. Won't happen again.
Hey - we're not offended. We just wanted to know if it was appropriate.
We have such trouble keeping up with the social graces.
Blab. A reader asks an ambiguous question.
Does Bezos look like Ed Koch?
You mean his face? Actually, we thought it looked like Kevin
Spacey's. But you decide and let
us know, OK?
Blab. A reader who thinks we have some hitherto unplumbed connection
with sanity writes:
Please, for the love of all
that is sane, remove the face of Jeff Bezos from that of Plurp.
I may have to stop reading if he keeps
appearing therein. It's just too darn scary, having to look
at the dimpled idiot.
You might just as well put up a picture
of Dubya (to whom I referred in an email this morning as 'that warmongering
halfwit').
We are delighted to have stimulated activity amongst your neurons. We do
agree with you about the scary part, though.
Blab. On a similar note, a reader writes:
The Bezos head is scary.
Bring back the blue dog!
Faced with reader demands to bring back the blue dog, Plurp's leadership
claimed Monday it has been unable to find the alleged cartoon icon.
Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld scoffed at the hard-line Plurp
position. Asked on CBS' Face the Nation if he believed the Plurp
claim, Rumsfeld replied: "Of course not."
"They know where the blue dog is," he said. "They know their web site...It
is just not believable that Plurp does not know where the blue dog
can be located and found and can be brought back."
Yo. You may have seen
the article about the 13 people arrested at New York airports last
week. They were allegedly carrying false IDs and knives.
Turns out they weren't carrying false IDs, weren't carrying knives and
had absolutely nothing to do with anything at all. They were hauled off
and interrogated by SWAT teams, though.
Here is what purports to be email
from the brother-in-law of one of these people, detailing just what
went on. If accurate, it's pretty scary stuff.
[... T]hree of the others
were:
- My son, VP and CFO of a $3 Billion
company on the west coast
- An American female employee on
this business trip with him (as WASP as you can get)
- An Indian National who had just
flown in from Hong Kong and immediately fell asleep on the plane.
After they boarded the plane and sat
in their seats a swat team stormed the plane with guns and took the three
off the plane very roughly after handcuffing them. They were then put in
separate detention cells and submitted to intensive interrogation before
being released. Their crime: The business executive has an Arab name (he
has been in the US since the age of 8 and has gone through the US education
system from elementary to grad school) His only problem was his Arabic
name. The lady: just because she was traveling with him. The Indian, probably
because he is dark skinned and woke up in a panic when seeing the guns
and stated screaming at the top of his voice, probably thinking he was
being high jacked. He was slapped in the face and treated more roughly
than the others because of his reaction.
Those of you talking about balancing security and civil rights might
want to read
that again. In some detail. (Kottke)
Plurp. Our white
lesbian name is Lithium LaughingBird. Obviously. But who knew there
was a whole
book on the topic?
Plurp. Dan's
New Gallery of Scary Clowns. Because the world needs more coulrophobia.
(tree
dragon)
Plurp. Those of you desperately seeking a Nimda song
would be forced to look here.
At least, that's what Ian tells us.
Plop. Financial restrictions in our benighted employer have turned
an e-commerce conference from a face-to-face (F2F?) meeting into a mega-conference-call,
with the local moderator paging puzzlingly forwards and backwards through
presentation charts in a vain attempt to find the one to which the speaker
is currently referring.
The audio sounds very much like WW II cockpit crackle, and most speakers
are unable to keep themselves close enough to their microphone to be heard
at all. Other callers keep their mikes open when they only intend to listen,
allowing us to relish their private, derogatory remarks.
And the plan is to run the economy of the world on technology such as
this.
Plurp.
Plurp.
The Bezos head
was balancing security
and civil rights
Sunday, September 23, 2001
Blab. A reader who must be some kind of Army brat challenges
us to a test of Flag Etiquette.
I
got nine out of ten!
This was just not going to be a test, we figured, at which we had any chance
at all. Maybe even less than that Goth
test, which we failed miserably with 8 out of 12 wrong.
Shockingly, we got eight of out ten on the flag test. Those Boy Scout
engrams must not be completely overwritten with Broken
Jokes yet.
Blab. A reader tests the limit of bad taste with this.
What is the blue dog doing
there?
G
Golly, G (and thanks for enabling us to use this amusing syntactical conceit),
do you really think it's appropriate to send us a link to a picture of
the WTC towers burning in which one could, on appropriate drugs, interpret
the smoke in one tower as forming the image of the face of the blue dog?
Blab. Seeking to correct us, a 12-year-old reader lacking in
the social graces writes:
Your Royal Plurpness Sir;
I was distressed to read of your 'plaintiff
cry for attention' in Saturday's log entry. The contents, of course, was
the usual tripe we have come to expect, and for which we continually return
to these hallowed pixels. It was not this that distressed me. It
was 'plaintiff cry for attention'.
As every 12-year old knows, a plaintiff
is the person bringing a lawsuit -- the plaintiff is the attacker, the
defendant is the one being attacked. You can only have meant, therefore,
'plaintive cry for attention', as plaintive means 'grieving, lamenting;
expressing sorrow, mournful, sad'.
Yours ever;
Mr Language Person.
We love it when our learned readers miss our most clever humor. It makes
us feel so ... so ... obscure.
Blab. On the topic of Mr. Bezos'
new position as spokedog for Taco Bell, a reader opines:
 Bezos
does look a little like a chihuahua..............does he have a high pitched
annoying little bark too?
We shall inquire of his wife.
Plurp. Those of you with stopwatches might have wondered why
yesterday's
Plurp
was posted so late at night. In fact, it was because we were watching the
Miss
America thingie and wanted to make sure nothing happened during the
course of it before our frivolous posting.
What worried us was noticing:
-
The widely reported but unspecific threats of a next phase of terrorist
action on Saturday.
-
The diffuse threats directed towards the entertainment industry.
-
The fact that events involving scantily clad women are, we suspect, offensive
to Islamic fundamentalists, as well as being iconically American.
-
That it was a well televised event with lots of people in an enclosed space.
Fortunately, nothing happened. Boring is good. We like boring.
Yo. Well that's interesting. That bin Laden character
didn't just get false identities for a bunch of people, including the guy
who tried to truck bomb the World Trade Center a while ago. No, he murdered
a dozen people and their families a decade ago in order to steal their
identities, altering official records around the world in order to cover
his tracks.
His agents stole the identities
and life histories of at least a dozen Western-educated young men who were
all murdered in 1990, according to a former head of the CIA.
Every document and record of those
men's lives were either stolen or doctored to allow bin Laden's terrorists
— or possibly Saddam Hussein's — to move freely around the world using
a false identity, says James
Woolsey, writing in New Republic magazine. Families of all 12 men were
also killed and all their paperwork erased so nobody would stumble on bin
Laden's lethal impostors.
[...]
Their homes were not looted, but carefully
ransacked to eliminate any personal trace that they had been there.
Passports vanished, along with driving
licences and bank books. Nobody thought it suspicious at the time that
there were no photographs left of the victims nor books with their names
inscribed on the cover.
They certainly gets points for thoroughness.
Plurp. We indulged in that strange DIY ritual today, fixing,
all by ourself, a broken chain that operates our kitchen fan and
the sticking screen door. It was a truly transcultural experience, as we
are by long and purposeful tradition firmly in the POPFAOMTDIFY camp.
Helen was coyly supportive, but we warned her not to, you know, expect
this sort of thing. We will not, we assured her, be seen any time soon
in overalls, or developing blisters on our otherwise virgin hands.
And, no matter what, it'll still be her that uses the drill.
Plurp. Yes, that does mean Pay Other People Frightening Amounts
Of Money To Do It For You. Thank you for asking.
Plurp.
The Bezos head
ransacked the homes
to eliminate any trace
of the Chihuahua
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