Current
Earlier
Later
Archive
Home
Search
Mail
Stuff
Bigger! |
2001.05.13 : 2001.05.19
Saturday, May 19, 2001
Blab. Hi ho, it's Mispelling Day, once again! And we
even have a reader entry / entreaty:
should be "advice
of counsel" ?
Indeed, and that stuff inside the quotes is just what Ted
Nelson wrote. We just randomly misspell words. Much as our reader decides
not to use subjects in sentences. What fun, eh?
Blab. Our Greatest Fan submits this terse tidbit:
History
of Cork
... wherein we learn all about the Quercus Suber grown in Spain
and Portugal and its role in mind altering substances throughout history.
Who said our readers were illiterate, anyhow?
Blab. A reader finds the shocking origins of Plurp buried
under a pile of greasy rags in the basement corner.
History of Plurp:
It is a little known fact that Plurp
nearly, but not quite, predates the internet. Plurp editorial #1,
entitled: "Reality bah, comes ze revolution, there will be no reality"
was posted at UCSB around October 1970. At that time UCSB was internet
node #3.
Plurp #1 was posted using a windows
graphical display scheme with an appearance fairly similar to today's Plurp.
However Plurp's original 1970 windows display system employed technology
that is somewhat different from today's system. This early, non-electronic
windows version of Plurp was written backwards using paint onto a dorm
window, to an audience of several hundred mildly confused UCSB students.
Thus Plurp can proudly and legitimately
claim: "For over 30 years, serving windows based editorials to mildly
confused readers".
In fact, it was worse than that. When I was first looking at UCSB as a
way of finishing my senior year in High School, someone in the dorms had
painted on their window:
Citizens for Boysenberry
Jam
An obscure reference
unless you're as old as I am. When I moved into the dorms, I replicated
this sign, reveling in its obscurity, even at the time. Does that remind
you of Plurp? Hmm.
A month after I arrived, the riots
started. Not my fault - honest! But there were a lot of wacky people running
around with wacky ideas. Students figured they could "go on strike," paying
their tuition but refusing to learn, and that would somehow lead to a socialist
revolution.
In my view, these folks weren't thinking very clearly. In fact, they
were downright silly, ignoring simple reality. So I replaced the boysenberry
sign in my window with the revolution sign quoted above. Did someone
say that was the first Rant?
There were other signs on that window. But I probably shouldn't talk
about that. And my apologies to the women of the San Nicholas dorm.
 Yow.
Friend Ed points us at a huge new structure on the London skyline: the
London
Eye. It's a gigantic Ferris wheel cantilevered over the Thames, each
of whose transparent ellipsoidal cars hold dozens of people. It takes 30
minutes for the wheel to make one revolution. Ed says the motion is so
smooth that you scarcely know you're moving and that, at the apex, you
can see for hundreds of miles.
Sounds pretty cool, though we're not sure what to think about a big
Ferris wheel next to Big Ben.
 Yow.
Ed also tells us about the Eden Project,
the world's largest greenhouse, built as a series of geodesic domes at
the bottom of a clay strip-mine in Cornwall. At one end is a huge waterfall
and a tropical climate. At the other, a desert climate. And everything
in between.
Again, pretty cool!
Yo. Now here's an odd
Web site. For instance:
I am not tearing
the skin off, I promise. As tempting as this may sound, no matter how
it appears, I am not tearing the skin off.
And there's a blog,
of sorts. (bovine)
Yo. Sleepless in Seattle?
Those whose car horns no
longer work are ...
Shallow people are ...
People without piles are ...
Guys whose cars are not ex-military
vehicles are ...
Folks who do not command Medieval
castles are ...
If you're not a gnome you are ...
Did you order only tatties? Then
you are ...
Fertilized chicken eggs that didn't
quite make it are ...
In a drought year, farmers are ...
Professional plasterers ensure that
you are ...
Avoiding Hallmark commercials helps
make you ...
Readers are invited to ...
 Plurp.
The blue dog
was still
mildly confused.
Friday, May 18, 2001
Blab. A reader relates a transcultural experience in
a Chinese restaurant today.
| Chinese owner: |
Why lice oh poke flied lice? |
| Hispanic customer: |
Lice?? |
| Chinese owner: |
Why lice oh poke flied
lice? |
| Hispanic customer: |
What?? |
| Plurp reader: |
Sir, he wants to know if you want
white rice or pork fried rice. |
| Hispanic customer: |
Ohhh ... fried rice. |
| Chinese owner: |
Poke or reglah? |
| Hispanic customer: |
Oh! Pork. |
| Chinese owner: |
Hokay. |
Our helpful reader was thanked by both men on her way out.
Blab. Responding, we suspect, to our series of Bovinus
Puzzlus last week, a reader writes:
bovine - original.
Plurp? Not.
Well of course! We consider imitation to be the sincerest form of flattery,
and we only steal from the very best.
Then a reader who might be that very same reader writes:
bovine - original.
Plurp? Not.
Which seems to negate the whole thing. How confusing.
Blab. Speaking of not original, a reader spake thus:
Thus
do I answer the blue dog.
This, in apparent response to the doggie's pondering
about why there is no original content. It is, of course, Ecclesiastes
1:9 ...
The thing that hath been,
it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be
done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
Hey - God said it, I believe it, and didn't someone already say this?
 Yow.
Partially in response to Dave's
misplaced angst about enjoying images of culturally-favored women,
partly because we were getting tired of Grace Kelly, and partly just 'cause,
we present the results of our recent Secret Project, a new addition to
our Stuff session, it's (ta
da, etc.) Windows Backgrounds,
downloadable diversions of a certain kind.
Yo. Totowa
Minister Mistaken for Pedophile. I guess they all look alike?
 Plop.
From our too-much-money-too-little-taste department comes this ...
An installation featuring
a life-size sculpture of Pope
John Paul II felled by a black meteorite, fetched $886,000 at a Christie's
auction that broke sales records for several contemporary artists
It seems to us that the more realistic sculpture would simply be a crater.
But there we go again, criticizing the scientific accuracy of plop art.
Yak. Claimed to be a good tattoo for research folks:
Born To Invent
Plurp.
The blue dog
wasn't at all sure about
the propriety of those
Windows backgrounds.
Thursday, May 17, 2001
Blab. A reader skates along the edge of defamation.
Dear Captain Plurp,
Any similarity between aspects of
this bear's behavior and certain colleage students' is purely coincidental.
Really.
May 16, 2001
Beloved
hot-tub bear put to sleep
Samson the hot-tub bear has been euthanized
at age 27.
The big brown bear with a penchant
for avocados and a flair for stardom died Monday at the Orange County Zoo.
Complications of old age forced euthanasia, zoo director Forrest de Spain
said.
Samson was sentenced to death six
years ago after he began coming down from the San Gabriel Mountains for
dips in hot tubs at homes in the foothill community of Monrovia.
But there was an outcry from schoolchildren
and he won a reprieve from then-Gov. Pete Wilson. The bear arrived at the
zoo in Irvine Regional Park on Feb. 27, 1996. Samson won even more fans
as he snoozed in the grass, cooled off in the pool beneath a waterfall
or stuffed himself with avocados.
Your Midwest Correspondent
While we have wandered down from the San Gabriel Mountains, taken dips
in hot tubs, snoozed in the grass, cooled off in a pool beneath a waterfall
and stuffed ourselves with avocados, there is no connection between this
alleged bear and us. None at all. Really.
Blab. Referring to our Frosty babbling,
a reader writes:
travailed by? An interesting
variant!
Why thank you! We do try.
Blab. A reader gives us more work to do.
Do a google search on "broken
jokes", heh heh
Hmm! It seems that Broken
Joke is a metal band. Now that's weird. Perhaps just as amusing,
consider the reaction of fans who use Google to search for that band and
end up here!
Better, check out Necrocomicon,
The Book of Dead Jokes, which references the blasphemous Der Reiseführer
für die Schrecklichefadkaputtscherzenerzählende (The Guidebook
for the Telling of Terribly Stale Broken Jokes) of Philip Clarke.
There are things which are
older than man, indeed for whom man is but an infant. These things are
older than the World, older than the Universe -- older even than the Thing
Your Roommate Left in the Fridge After the Party. These Things are ageless
and deathless, and are possessed of a purpose which mankind would not even
recognize as sentience, except for its dimly-perceived machinations and
horrifying effects. They are the Stale Old Ones, and come from the Dim
Grey Gulfs beyond the reach of mortal or even immortal Humor.
Wonderful stuff.
Plurp.
The blue dog
wondered why there was
no original content.
Wednesday, May 16, 2001
Blab. A reader concerned with trains and watches writes:
In America, you can set your
watch by the trains, too. I set my watch standing on the platform
at Grand Central once, and there was a train right next to me. QED.
Well, there you go.
Blab. Reacting to our admission about
our wedding, a reader writes:
Hey, maybe when I get married,
I'll quote Frost too! How about this: "Some say the world will end
in fire, Some say in ice..."
You might want to discuss that with your intended life partner, though
we must admit that Helen questioned our use of the Frost quote Two roads
diverged in a yellow wood for a long time.
Our ring vows were also fun:
This gold was born in the
hearts of stars, and came to rest in the Earth before life itself arose.
For eons it waited, formless, for my love to give it meaning. Take this
wonder, wear it, and know the depths of my love for you.
As a friend said: This is the only wedding I've attended that involved
both poetry and cosmology.
Plurp. It's curious. Spending three weeks away from the Internet,
away from Plurp, I got out of the habit of Plurping a dozen
random links here every day. That, and how busy I've been since coming
back, and it's been difficult to get back into it.
Will you hate me for that?
Plurp. Last weekend, we went to California for a family wedding.
Distinguishing events:
-
It was amazing to be in the central coast of California again. (I grew
up there.) The knobby hills are mostly brown, with occasional trees and
shrubs. Somehow, that makes sense, is the way it's supposed to be. (On
the East coast, the hills are closer, more claustrophobic, and covered
with competitive fauna, entirely interwoven in green. That has never seemed
right, though I've lived in New York longer than I lived on the central
coast.)
-
Speaking of amazing, I had forgotten how incredible real strawberries
are. As a kid, we used to go to the strawberry fields and pick strawberries
off the vine. They were dark red all the way through, and sweeter than
you can believe. The things you get in New York are not strawberries.
They are, at best, cardboard imitations. A friend served us real strawberry
shortcake, with freshly whipped cream and home made shortcake. Astonishing.
-
The wedding party had a vast number of 30ish women (I haltingly refuse
to say kids) who seemed much more attractive and much closer to
Size 2 than the average population. Why is that? Is it that they are friends
of the bride, who is from a fairly wealthy family, and that is somehow
correlated? Is it that they are probably mostly Californian, and hence
conscious of such things? Or am I just confused?
-
Driving back to LAX on Sunday, we stopped at a random place along Highway
1 and took this lovely picture of the ocean. Shortly thereafter, a family
of half a dozen porpoises glided by, the only time I've seen porpoises
in the wild, followed by a sea lion looking for lunch. Amazing.
Yow. Yesterday, the plant people came and plopped the first wave
of flora in the huge black planters on our terrace, with rather impressive
results.
Plurp.
In a previous life,
the blue dog was
an herb garden.
Tuesday, May 15, 2001
Blab. A reader contributes an unusual insight.
"In Switzerland, you can
set your watch by the trains." (I visited Switzerland nine years
ago, and can confirm that this is true.)
From this, we conclude that, in Switzerland, the watches are very large
or the trains are very small. In either case, it is an odd custom, and
one that we will remember for our next visit.
Blab. A fan of the blue dog recites:
Two roads diverged by a blue
dog...
We were so enamored by Frost that we used the original verse in our wedding
ceremony.
... and I, I took the one
less travailed by,
and that has made all the indifference
Blab. An abject contradictionist writes:
subject = No Subject
A is not A. A thing is not itself. Everything true. Everything false. The
universe crumbles at the mere thought
Blab. After a worrisome pause, a dedicated reader contributes
a solution to Crosswordus Inversus.
Across
1. vedist
2. indexing
3. genome
4. autocrat
5. Isolde
6. Lagrange
Down
1. Psalms
2. legalese
3. Senate
4. ontology
5. deline
6. indigoat
Thanks for the puzzles!
You are very welcome, friend! Heck, we had in mind the much simpler solution
wherein all of the five letter words were "Bovine" and all of the eight
letter words were "Inversus". But we like your solution much better!
We're not sure which we like better:
-
A riddle that, when solved, causes blindness: legalese
-
A device, powered by forty-three strong men, which is made entirely of
the wings of small birds: Senate
-
A woman whose body has been dyed a very dark shade of blue: Indigoat
Very, very clever.
Blab. A reader, belatedly scouring his referrer
logs, writes:
Steve
I was somewhat surprised whilst searching
for the Suzuki Goose to come across your website! But I read and enjoyed
it non the less. Anyway if you're ever looking for an english Suzuki Goose
site then please try (the only one I think):-
www.xenaverse.free-online.co.uk/goose/
See ya, Stuart
We recommend this site to all of you who are looking for an English site
covering the Suzuki Goose. Any of you. Whatever.
Plurp. The first wave of plants arrived for the terrace today
and I have to admit that they are spectacular. Huge black geometric planters
(pics later - I promise) surmounted by a dizzying array of foliage - grasses,
herbs, a ginko tree, climbing roses, and many more whose names I do not
know. (Wasn't it Feynman's father who told him that he didn't need to know
the names of things, but rather what they were?)
This is all Helen's project, from selecting the designer to ensuring
that my view of New York isn't impeded by the taller plants, and she's
done a spectacular job.
It's curious how different my intuition from looking at drawings is
from my experience of the actual thing. The terrace seems, initially, so
much more occupied now, full of these big black planters where before
it seemed spacious. And the addition of thriving things, rather than the
struggling plants we had before, makes such a difference, as the yellow-green
hills of California are different from the lush green hills of New York.
All in all, it works. There is a sense of purpose to the terrace, a
sense that it was planned this way, in addition to its simplicity and balance.
That is what I tried to bring to the interior design of our apartment.
So my impression is that they work together as a whole. That surprises
me somewhat, and definitely pleases me.
We humans are so odd, aren't we?
Plurp. So long, Douglas Adams, and thanks
for all the fun. Sniff.
Plurp.
The blue dog was found
in abject contradiction to
its own existence.
Monday, May 14, 2001
Blab. Trying politely to fill in the large gaps in my
grey matter, a reader writes:
Something about the trains
running on time.
And another writes:
Helenism Hint: What
is the canonical "one good thing" about Mussolini?
Oh, right! And my comment about a Swiss clock was also wrong. Sheesh.
This makes yesterday's Helenism:
Runs like a Swiss train
-
Runs like a Swiss watch
-
At least he made the trains run on time
And duly recorded. Thanks to our
many clever readers!
Blab. From someone unlikely to fall for it comes yet another
Nigerian
fraud letter.
FROM THE DESK OF MRS MARIAM
ABACHA,
3rd May, 2001.
Attn: Managing Director,
Dear Sir,
I salute you in the name of the most
high God. I am Mrs. Mariam Abacha, the widow of the late Gen. Sani Abacha
former Nigerian Miitary Head of State who died mysteriously as a result
of Cardiac Arrest. Since my husband's death, my family has been under restriction
of movement and that notwithstanding, we are being molested and constantly
been harassed by the so called security officials, above all, our
Bank accounts here and abroad have been frozen by the Nigeria Civilian
Govt. Furthermore, my eldest son in detention by the Nigerian Government
for more interrogation about my husband's assets and some vital documents.
Following the recent discovery of
my husband's bank account by the Nigerian Government with my son's bank
in which a huge sum of US $700 million Dutch Mark, & another $450 million
was also lodge and 1.6Billion Pounds Sterling belonging to my late husband,
all the said fund was seized by the Government of Nigeria. I therefore
wish to personally appeal to you seriously and religiously for your urgent
assistance to transfer the sum of $58million US Dollars into your account
in your country where I believe it will be safe, since we cannot leave
the country due to the restriction of movement imposed on the members of
my family by the Nigerian Government or can you receive for the abacha
family the funds already in Europe & America about $89million USD ,
already deposited with a security firm you can advise us on areas where
and what to invest on abroad, already we are presently nursing real estates
or any other blu-chip investement you can reach my lawyer(DR ISA MUSA.)
on his direct Tel lines as a copy of this letter is equally sent to him
in confidence .Any advise should be directed to my lawyer for security
reasons thank you,
You can contact me through my lawyers
Tel Number : +871-xxxxxxxxx or Fax +871-xxxxxxxxx. Upon receipt of your
good response. My lawyer shall arrange a meeting to facilitate the smooth
transfer of the fund , that is to liase with him towards effective compromise
of this transaction. However, arrangement have been put in place to remove
more of the family fund amounting to$114 million US$
from a security firm were it is deposited
, Before moving the remainingfund out of the country with the assistance
of my husband's friend's that's some( some top government functionaries)
still in government through a diplomatic means, and deposited in a security
company, as soon as you indicate your interest. My lawyer shall send to
you the Security Deposit Certificate and Airway Bill of the luggage and
other related documents so that you can arrange how and where the luggage
tagged "Family Treasures". From an African king will be deposited. Conclusively,
we have agreed to offer you 30% of the total sum while 70% in collaboration
with my lawyer to be held on trust by you until we can decide on what to
do next , subsequent to our free movement by the Nigerian Government. Please
reply urgently and treat with absolute confidentiality and sincerity.
Yours sincerely,
Mrs. Mariam Abacha.(alhaja)
For those of you tempted to respond (and you know who you are), please
send us $1,000,000.00 in cash instead because ... ah, heck, you don't need
a reason, do you?
Plurp. Another bit of spontaneity, this one from last night.
Q: Why did Frank Purdue
cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Oh! A broken joke. As is, I
think, the original joke about the chicken crossing the road?
Yak. In a conversation today about delays in getting a contract
in place though, reinterpreted, it makes even more sense.
Lawyers make good speed bumps.
Plop. Flash really is evil, really is bad, really should be banned.
We hereby submit hyakugojyuuichi
as conclusive evidence. Sadly, it is all
over the place already. (Dave)
Plurp. Suddenly, in the afternoon, the sky fills with dark clouds
and the wind comes up, bending the tall trees over and twisting the stop
sign in the nearby parking lot clockwise, counter-clockwise, clockwise
so rapidly and so violently that I wonder if it will snap off. I am filled
with a sense of both anticipation and dread, vicerally certain that I am
about to have a Close Encounter, so perfectly does reality mimic my theatrical
memory.
Then, as abruptly as it began, it is over, and I am left wondering which
part was memory and which reality.
Yo. I'm working on a Secret Project. Can you guess what it is?
Plurp.
The blue dog
would like you to send
twelve tons of kibbles
to a post office box
in eastern Nevada because ...
Sunday, May 13, 2001
Blab. A leopard eyed reader writes
One of the Helenisms on your
site has a phrase that is misquoted.
“You can't change spots on
an old dog
·
A dog can't change his spots
·
You can't teach an old dog new tricks“
The second phrase is actually
“A leopard can’t change his spots”.
Absolutely right! And, even though it's not Mispelling Day, we've corrected
it anyway.
Blab. And speaking of Helenisms, a leopard eared reader writes:
Heard a Helenism today:
"Everything runs like a Swiss train"
So that would be "like a Swiss clock", of course. But what's the other
constituent phrase? Perhaps readers will enlighten us.
Blab. Another of our illiterate groupies writes:
what did you do forget
abotu me hun this i simani i miss you call me 286-8242
If only she would give an area code, perhaps we could have an unintelligible
conversation.
Blab. Catching our modestly obscure reference
from yesterday, a reader writes:
soy-lentil green is people!!!!
Indeed. We have the best readers.
Plurp. So do we have to call it FuBar
Investigations now?
Plurp. We're back from yet another zillion-mile trip, this one
to California for a family wedding, about which more later, probably. (We
know - we just can't seem to stay put!) But for now, we're exhausted and
about to conk out.
Plurp.
The blue dog
was suddenly worried
about soylent blue.
 |
